I’m 25F and she’s 39F. We got emotionally involved fast, and she moved in with me before the relationship was stable enough for that. But. There are real feelings here. We love each other, have intense chemistry, and even after huge fights we’ve still ended up cuddling, kissing, and acting like a couple. But we also have a destructive conflict cycle and I need outside perspective on how to be better.
The main recurring issue: she has major trust concerns and often accuses me of cheating, lying, hiding things on my phone, talking to neighbors, sneaking around, etc. I have not cheated or talked to anyone else romantically. I have never had such accusations be lobbed at me repeatedly.
She has: asked why my phone is plugged in or near my pillow; woke me up accusing me of being on my phone; believed dreams about me cheating; thought I’m involved with a male neighbor because we leave around similar times; interpreted neutral things (where I look, taking phone to bathroom for music, walking past a unit) as suspicious.
At first I tried calmly explaining myself. Over time I became anxious, exhausted, hyperaware, and reactive. I started waking up bracing for accusations. My biggest mistake: after weeks of feeling accused and unheard, I vented to my godbrother and later minimized that when asked. She sees that as betrayal/lying by omission and proof I can’t be trusted. I understand why it hurt trust, and I’ve owned it. I just needed somewhere for all that hurt on my side to go because telling her about it wasn’t doing anything.
Now everything often becomes me being called a liar, narcissist, defensive, not listening, or not caring about her heart.
I’m neurodivergent (AuDHD traits). Under stress I become very focused on facts, fairness, precision, and explaining intent. Repeated false accusations make me dysregulated, reactive, and defensive. I know that worsens things. She says I don’t make her feel emotionally safe, don’t validate her, don’t listen, and hurt her heart through my reactions. I feel picked at all the time even when I try to give straight answers and explain why I did something.
More bullets (I’m sorry this is so long):
• We’ve verbally “broken up” multiple times.
• Then still kissed/cuddled afterward.
• She says maybe we need separate paths.
• Then asks to spend the day together / go DoorDashing / act close.
• She says for now no affection.
• She says I have 22 days (counting down from 30) to fix my reactivity and defensiveness or we are permanently done.
I do love her. I know I need to grow regardless. I want to be less reactive, more emotionally regulated, and better at conflict. But I also feel trapped in accusation/defense/exhaustion and I’ve been trying to fix what I did despite her not acknowledging her side much except to say “we both hurt each other.” I was literally panicking internally about being called a liar and cheater over and over and my “Please stop” wasn’t ever considered. Even today I tried to register her vehicle (overslept the alarm and realized it so jumped up and filled in the info, only to have her start yelling at me for breaking her sleep when I wasn’t making any noise. I felt bad. I then went and got ready for work a couple hours later as she wouldn’t even try to go back to sleep and recoup any rest but kept picking at me even being silent and pulled out a sleeveless top because it’s hot. I had a jean jacket that buttons all the way up to go with. Got yelled at about that too and how it was classless to wear to work, and I thought a jacket with sleeves was always how you wore something that didn’t have sleeves.)
Ultimately I do want honest insight, not just “leave.” I know there are red flags, but there is real love too and I’m trying to see this clearly. I feel like I am always messing something up.
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TL;DR: Woman I am dating/cohabiting with is very adamant I’m cheating and after weeks of taking it and telling her it was making me nervous/anxious, I snapped and vented to my godbrother without telling her and then it came out that I spoke after she said not to take anything outside. She has given me a month (now less) to fix it. Everything I do gets willfully misinterpreted at best and I don’t get what I’m doing wrong outside of when I was under pressure and improperly vented and then didn’t tell until afterward.