u/FactsAreBullshit

Edit: Special thanks to the person who DM'd me calling me a piece of sh*t and hoping karma would get me for wanting to leave.

Just an update from yesterday's post: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverforty/comments/1t386u9/i_am_bad_for_my_girlfriends_health/

Without the slightest bit of sarcasm, thank you all who commented or upvoted comments yesterday about my post. I wasn't able to see through the emotional part of myself to the logical side. If you wrote something yesterday and maybe you feel differently about reading what I'm about to write, don't. This isn't to seek pity or an apology, because I still need advice.

My girlfriend suffered a major medical setback tonight related to her health issues. Life altering, never work a normal job again type of setback. I just got back from the hospital. I sat holding her hand while she had the first of a lifetime of dialysis treatments. In the week since I last saw her, the pain she had become worse. So much so she said one of her sisters had driven her to work. Her sisters and I both encouraged her to visit the ER or at least an urgent care on Sunday. She finally relented this morning after getting off shift, at which point urgent care became ER which became a surgery. Whether it was too late or not is moot, there was a lifetime of issues behind this.

Logically what everyone said is right. There's a line between my wanting to help her and enabling her behavior, and I was more on the enabling side. I know her health problems aren't my fault. But that didn't stop me from crying for her when I got into my car to drive home. I'm devastated for her.

To address a couple of comments. Yes, I have therapy. I had planned to sit down with my girlfriend later this week to set hard boundaries on her own care, because I can't carry the emotional burden of her health. I had blamed myself in part because she'd just taken this new night shift job right as she met me, and I felt her already fragile health got worse. Deep down I that isn't true, but it doesn't make me hurt less for her. Despite her shortcomings on her health, she's facing a much shorter lifetime and the miniscule chance to turn herself around is gone.

It's hard because I see so much of the old me inside of what she is now. That was part of our bond. That and being able to our guard down around each other almost immediately. But once I hit rock bottom, I flipped my health around. Even in the hospital with me holding her hand, she was asking the guy doing the dialysis for holistic treatment options. It solidified that even any boundary I set wouldn't have worked. My heart breaks for her anyway.

I don't know how much time to give her, given the life altering news she's just recieved, but I'll have to end our relationship. Even as a friend, because I can't force her to take care of herself. I have no interest in kicking her any further while she's down, but aside from the health care she's a gentle, kind, and funny woman that I care for deeply. But for my own sanity, I have to let that go, and it hurts to write that. I just don't know when the time will feel right, or what I'll say to avoid making it worse.

Edit: Thanks all, I get it.

Seeing advice on how to handle this. My (M47) girlfriend (F50) have been dating exclusively since our first date almost 5 months ago. Because of our work schedules being literal opposites (Me: 9am-5pm M-F, her: 7pm-7am 6 days on, 8 days off) we spend what I call block time together. So she'll come hang on at my place or we'll get a hotel near her house (she has roommates) for days at a time. I miss work to for visits to see her. Our first two dates were 7+ hours, and the shortest amount of time we've spent together is just four. It's all been wonderful.

Part of how we originally connected was that her profile only had a picture of her pet on it. The rest was very well filled out, so I sent a comment saying she'd get more likes if she showed herself. We did a video call so I'd see she wasn't a catfish, and I showed her pictures showing that until a few years ago I was morbidly obese. Right after our first date I had cosmetic surgery to erase that last part of me, literally. She's struggled with being heavier later in life, something I can totally emphathize with and one of the reasons I think we hit it off, the open and honest communication about that and other things.

What I need help on is that when she's with me her health is getting worse. She needs to take insulin twice daily, and often forgets or doesn't follow a schedule. I can set alarms while I'm around. I think part of this is just her sleep schedule, part is she just really likes crashing on my bed. And the lack of exercise while she's with me has triggered what she said is the worst pain in her life. She has a sensitive spot on her thigh and cannot walk even in my place a few stops. While she'd prefer intimacy as often as I'm capable, three times the pain has made that impossible to continue. And it's a turn-off for me because I don't want to have sex with a woman in pain.

Based on her symptoms, doctors visits, and own diagnosis, she needs to exercise more, lose weight, and hopefully free herself of diabetes. I am nudging her in the right direction on eating better and she's painfully self aware of her health issues and seeing doctors. She is stronger than she knows, I think with the right encouragement she can do better.

I know she's close to hitting rock bottom and making even more changes. I want to support her the best way I can, but I don't know how. The weight thing ties into the core of our easy-going personalities and we have a lot of cute ways that "opposites attract" in our relationship.

Am I alone in this kind of relationship? If not, how did yours turn out? We don't want to lose each other, but she can't literally fall apart while she's with me. If I can't be part of the solution, I can't be around at all, and I really don't want that.