It was shared with my team that a coworker of ours “unexpectedly passed away.”
He hadn’t responded to anyone at work for over a week (I suspect longer due to other conversations that I had a handful of weeks ago with clients mentioning they were waiting on a response from him). So my organization did a welfare check and found him in his home.
He had one phone number listed for a friend. His family all lived in a different country. He lived alone, worked remotely. Largely worked independently. Responded to and interfaced with colleagues and clients, but most work was done on his own. He oversaw tech and systems stuff.
He worked into the nights, early mornings. On holidays. Never took vacation.
I suspect suicide.
I always suspected he was a closet depressed human like myself. I felt that connection. Like recognizes like type thing. The way he spoke, his voice, his energy. His gentle, contemplative, at times peculiar demeanor.
He was a part of my small team but had little to do with us because his work was related, but separate.
No one but our organization noticed his absence for who knows how long. That makes me feel ill.
And it hits home too because my family hasn’t reached out to me in months, even though I am a young woman living on my own going through a divorce. I think sometimes that they would have no idea if I died. I am struggling financially, emotionally…feels like my soul is weary.
Just 2-3 weeks ago I was standing on a step, ready to make that move myself. I wonder if that’s around when he did it too.
It hits home, and it fucking guts me. I want so bad to reach him in the liminal space and let him know he isn’t alone. I want to empathize with him and affirm that our modern culture is set up to weed us out by means of suicide or poverty or helplessness to the point of giving up.
And today I am sick to my stomach. For many reasons, that being one. Sleep deprived going on months now. Just…fucking beat down. And yet I still have to work and grind literally to earn my share and fund my existence.
I am down. My heart aches for his soul. May he rest in peace.