Hello Ladies... I thought this might be a good place to ask this question since there are a lot of women on here that have become mother's at what our society has deemed as "older"... not the way I have ever viewed it! Initially and for several years, I thought nothing negative about being an older mom! I saw only positives- being more wise, knowing myself better, having a strong relationship, and being in a good financial place with all the childcare figured out and in place and affordable. However, I never imagined putting it off this long... and I also was not fully educated on all the perimenopause symptoms and my body not being as capable. My full story is below, but you can stop here if you want and just give advice and thoughts on transferring an embryo at 42 and possibly another one at 44. What is it like to have an infant at that age? What is it like to have a 10 year old in my 50s? What is it like having 2 toddlers in your mid to late 40s? Am I setting myself up to have children and have it truly negatively impact my health, and thus my relationship? More info below.
My husband and I started TTC at 38... After about 2 years we started the IVF process. It took a long time for me to get it going, and in the process we discovered that I have a balanced translocation... Fortunately, because we have good insurance, we were able to do 5 retrievals btwn when I was 40-41. I spent 4 years in fear that this would fail and I would never have a child. I feel like a different person now, because I no longer fear this... partly because we have a GREAT chance and partly because I have evolved my mind, separated myself from societal pressure, and gained clarity about ME and WHO I AM! I like this new version of me, but I will not lie, I am not always confident that is truly how I will feel in the long run and that I might be just having these conclusions for self preservation of my emotions.
Our plan was to do our first transfer this January... At first we were dragging our feet, getting busy, (most likely dragging feet out of fear)... and kept putting it off.. The past couple of months, I came to some realizations about my husband and some relationship flaws we have due to some past childhood traumas and I just started seeing SOOO clearly that my relationship is not where I want it to be. I did not take the time to reflect on this the last several years because, truly IVF and all the ups and downs took over my entire mind and body. I guess when it came time to transfer I started more clearly analyzing our communication styles and imagining having a child like this and I knew it wasn't right and we truly need some therapy. Each month, it just did not seem right. And I worried that a child would destroy us- especially watching that happen to several close friends lately. We are now starting therapy and I have high hopes, as long as we continue for a few years. I do not expect ALL of our problems to be solved before we transfer, but I want to be on the right path and feel confident that we will be happy and harmonious, as long as we continue therapy throughout the first few years.
My husband and I share the same goal. Make this work... Work hard to get to a place where we have a happy and harmonious household. Transfer this embryo. Hopefully have at least one child- we thought about 2 but were not going to make that decision until after the 1st... My mind has been in turmoil lately, pondering all these what ifs- and I was hoping reddit could offer me some personal experience to help me ponder it a more effective and informed manner. Part of me is happy with our decision to wait and fully believes that with some professional help we can achieve our goal, and my only regrets are that I did not notice this/prioritize it/act sooner! The other part of me is FREAKING out that I am getting too old. The last few months I grieved the loss of the idea of a second child, because the months passing are really making that seem like a bad idea. I am sure I will be ok with only one child... I will absolutely be ok with only one child if that is all we can have due to failures- but It is hard for me to think about leaving either a girl or a boy in the freezer, just because of age and that we waited too long, and wondering what it would have been like to love that child. I am wondering if I need to be on more of a fast track because of age or will it not matter too much in the long run? How much should age be a determining factor in my decision?
This is long so I will try and wrap this up. I am going to be 42 in August. Hopefully by August and September we will be ready to try the first embryo. Lets say all goes well and we try for a second... By that time I will probably be 44... MY best friend thinks I am CRAZY to consider having one infant at 42 and a 10 year old in my 50s, much less having 2! Let me note, that she is like my sister, and I am ok with her sharing her thoughts with me, we have a strong friendship with enough love and trust to hear hard things. That being said, it did not hurt me, it just made my thoughts during this waiting period more complex. Initially, I found NOTHING wrong with being an older mom. I celebrated the idea. Now I am regretful, scared, and wondering if I should just keep on with my notions of, society pressures us by teaching us that you only have true happiness and true love when you have a child, and 2 children is an absolute blessing, HOWEVER, I can find true fulfillment in other ways. Or should I say, FUCK my age, I love children, we can do this! I am wanting advice from older moms, particularly ones that had a child at 42 and even more particular ones that had a child at 42 and 44. How are you managing? Do you have regrets?