Most of the time at night(past 10pm), I tend to spiral down into overthinking/thoughts about how unsuccessful I am compared to others, I won't disclose what I'm specifically envious of my peer or anyone around my age (16-18) for, as I'm just too ashamed and disgusted at myself to even mention it publicly in this sub(if u wanna know feel free to dm but please be gentle about it), all of this was due to OCD and extreme social anxiety, I'm diagnosed with only one of the 2
This ruined my sleep schedule hence I now sleep at 1-3am, which fucked up my circadian rhythm that's now fixed around this time, the thought of me being condescended a lot really fucking triggers me to the point I self harmed and visualized m*rdering the the individual who condescended me, this was likely due to me being ostrasized since birth and inferior to almost everyone so I developed this egomaniac thoughts which contradict my reality just so I could feel that I'm atleast useful, and yes I did try to let it go and accept that I'm not as good, but that's essentially like letting go another part of me that've developed for 6 years so its insanely painful, Hence the reason my sleep schedule is ruined
Now I kept scrolling reddit or anywhere to "find a solution before I sleep" but I definitely know thats just not true and I wont stop doomscrolling till 2 to 3am, it's usually something I've seen online that trigger these thoughts
I have way more thoughts I'd like to share, but they're too explicit and illogical that I can't string any sentence of it without having to construct a 3000 word essay to explain it adequately
So basically I'm tired of this repetitive loop, I wish I could just end it all, but it's near impossible due to natural instincts, I've been bnned from my primary venting sub which absolutely doesn't help this situation at all