Me (early 30s) and my husband have been together nearly 10 years, married for almost one, no children. We split all household bills 50/50, including food. I manage all the bills, direct debits, budgeting, and weekly food shopping because I’m good with finances. My husband transfers me his half each month.
I work in healthcare, earn a good wage, and until recently worked 4 days a week (around 32 hours) by choice. My job is mentally exhausting and I’m on my feet all day. Because I had a weekday off, I used it to handle all the household chores, meal prep, cooking, cleaning, washing, appointments etc. I didn’t mind doing it because it fit around my schedule and my husband isn’t great at cooking.
My husband is self-employed, works around 60 hours a week by choice, and earns less than me. I’ve always said I’m happy to pay more of the bills because I earn more, but he refuses. I also pay for all our holidays — we went abroad six times last year and I funded them all. I don’t resent this because I can afford it and have more disposable income. He earns decent money too, but spends more on material things. That’s his choice and I’ve never cared as long as bills are paid.
After our expensive wedding and honeymoon depleted a lot of our savings, I suggested increasing my hours to 45 hours a week so the extra income could go straight into rebuilding our savings. My husband agreed, and I started doing this three weeks ago. I’ve also been picking up Saturday shifts because work is short-staffed.
The issue is that now I no longer have my weekday off, I told my husband I can’t continue being the only person doing all the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping etc. I asked him to start helping more around the house. He said that was “ridiculous” because he works 60 hours and I “only” work 45. He didn’t say it outright, but heavily implied it’s my role as the woman. I got angry and told him if he wants a 1950s-style housewife, then he can pay 100% of the bills while I stay home and handle everything. Until then, he needs to pull his weight.
I also pointed out he gets home a couple of hours before me most evenings, so even if he doesn’t want to cook, he could at least tidy up, do washing, or help with shopping. I wasn’t asking him to do everything — just split responsibilities more fairly.
Yesterday I had an awful day at work and got home around 7pm. He’d been home since 3:30pm, lying on the sofa. The washing basket was overflowing and nothing had been done. I asked what was for tea, assuming he’d sorted something seeing as he’d been home for hours and hadn’t done any chores. He exploded, called me selfish and ridiculous, and said I was out of order. I told him I couldn’t believe a grown man was angry because his wife asked him to contribute to the household. He swore at me and told me to go away because I was “making him angry.” I told him I was tired of him taking advantage of my kindness and that he either starts helping around the house or I’ll leave. We haven’t spoken since, and tonight he ignored me when I got home from work.
Now I’m questioning whether I’m wrong for expecting him to do more when he’s never had to before.