I started dating my ex when we were both around 14/15. We started off as friends, and then it progressed to him asking me out. When he initially asked me out, I told him that I had no interest in him sexually, mainly due to me being molested in my childhood. He said that he didn't care about having sex and was more than happy for a non-physical relationship. We both had some mental issues at the time, but I think I broke him...
Fast forwards a few years, he started asking about sex and what would "turn me on." I tried explaining to him that I was attracted to him, but nothing he could do would entice me to have sex with him. I did mention at the time that I would go see a therapist to try to get to the bottom of my issues, but it would take a long time. He acknowledged it but wasn't impressed. A few sessions after I started therapy, he started trying to initiate sex, getting flirty, stripping, and groping. I told him that this wouldn't fly, and I couldn't see our relationship working because of my sexual aversion. He would not tolerate no for an answer and still wished for our non-physical relationship to continue, I (stupidly) agreed, and we both agreed to an open relationship (but only for him), with the agreement that I would continue therapy and if he was going to have sex with someone else to keep it safe.
A few months into our new open relationship, and things were ok... ish. He was having sex with other women, and I was having therapy. I got to the point where we would start initiating sex, but I would have a panic attack before anything could really happen. When this happened, he broke. I wanted to just keep it going to please him, but it just wasn't happening. He cried, I cried, and he thought it was him, no matter how much I pleaded and blamed myself.
The next day, he tried to kill himself.
This cycle kept repeating for a while.
Initiation of sex > foreplay starts > panic attack occurs > some sort of argument/crying match starts > one of us leaves > suicide attempt occurs.
I kept telling him to leave it for a while, we could come back to it, have sex with other women, go to sex therapy together, take a break, or find other people. He refused all but sex therapy, which wasn't too successful, as I was the only one who went, and the therapist wanted to see him too, but he refused as I was the problem.
After visiting the sex therapist for a while, he started using suicide attempts as a way to initiate sex/sexual encounters. We started non-penetrative sex because of this, but again, panic attacks lingered, and it wasn't highly successful, but it got to the point where the panic attacks didn't phase him anymore and he wanted more than what I could offer him.
He decided that he wanted to have penetrative sex. I told him no, and that wasn't going to happen at this stage. Cue massive argument and his suicide attempt landed him in the hospital. At this point, I wanted out. This relationship wasn't beneficial to him or me and was causing us both mental distress. I tried breaking it off with him while he was in the hospital, and he begged me not to, that he'd change, etc etc and I firmly told him that this is just a vicious cycle of carnage and it's killing him. I told him that I loved him dearly, and because of that, I had to let him go. If I didn't, I feared that it would kill him. I broke him at this point. He argued with me, wouldn't take no for an answer, and then proceeded to grab me by the hair and slammed me into the side rail of his bed and told me that if I ever mentioned leaving him again, he'd kill us both. He then demanded that I have sex with him on the spot on the hospital bed, or he'd take us both out. His nurse came in to check on him. He told the nurse that I had a blood nose from all the stress going on.
When he got out, he clung to me like glue. I couldn't go to the toilet alone. He'd stand in the stall with me or would wait outside the door. I'd sit where he sat. He'd threaten me if I sat anywhere other than next to him or on him. I was at this time having some issues with fainting spells. I'd collapse out of nowhere. He was at work once when one happened when I got sent to the ER. I collapsed in the ER waiting room and was rushed into resus. He called me panicking and told me not to leave the ER until he got there. I left against medical advice as they couldn't figure out what was causing the fainting, and he kept pressuring me to come home.
He kept me close during these fainting spells, and I'd never remember them. I'd eventually find out that he was responsible for them. I had been taking Lyrica (anticonvulsant and analgesic) for my nerve pain, and he had been drugging me with his antipsychotics and benzodiazepines to help me "relax".
He could have killed me.
During one "fainting spell" I came to, he tried to penetrate me while I was in his mother's living room. He realised I was coming around and continued on anyway (unsuccessfully). This happened again at a friend's house party. But a mutual friend walked in on him. They had an argument, and the mutual friend carried me out of the house and took me to the ER.
Police became involved, and I eventually found out that aside from attempting to have sex with me while I was unconscious, he had also been trying to impregnate me via a syringe from a medicine mixture so I could "never leave him".
Six years later, he has been stalking me on and off, being in and out of mental hospitals, had a sexual relationship with the psychologist he's had since his childhood, and refuses to leave me alone. This year alone, he attempted to sexually assault me at my local supermarket, had his current girlfriend send me his explicit photos, threaten to kill the mutual friend, and told his psychiatrist that he and I will either be together forever, or die together.
I now have an even bigger sex aversion disorder and a restraining order. Because of him, I have decided to NEVER date anyone again, mainly due to the fear of retaliation from him, and I believe that I will mentally break people like I did to him...
I honestly hope this man finds some peace.