NSFW and Trigger warning!!!!
So yeah, this is my first time doing this in these sorta spaces but i kind of felt like i needed to let off some shit.
Context im 24M and I was Sexually Abused when i was around 6-8 every couple of weeks for a good year and a half. Im usually pretty good with moving on from the past, yeah sure i get the hand shakes every now and then and flashes of what happened. But overall i usually seem to be able to bounce back up. But this time i feel a bit dirty and empty and just feel like venting out.
When these events happened to me i never knew it was a bad thing. (As common with Child Abuse) i thought i was playing a game or doing something Cheeky. It was my grandmothers Partner who manipulated me. And for quite a while i never brought it up cause 'it was our secret' till i was around i say 8. When i told my mum if it was okay to do certain acts.
This greatly impacted my fathers life. Since this was the partner of his mother. It shook our family up for sure. But not much happened. As i was told later down the line. The only discussion that i mentioned was touching but nothing more. And my fathers side of the family was negligent about it saying "He is probably making things up " "it wasnt as serious as he is saying." And this really damaged my fathers relationship with his sister and mother.
It was hard for me when growing up. I never really felt like a kid (i think i was the same after the abuse idk) never really socialised with kids my age. Only hanged with adults. Didnt have a carefree attitude to life to go out and socialise, was mainly at home alone. It took years and years for me to not be defensive when my dad was coming in with a surprising hug. Sometimes i had a void and i felt like an alien around my fellow kids.
The worse part was growing up believing that my father never believing i was sexually abused to the extent it got. Only after having a fight with him did i mentioned the full story not knowing he never knew. This ended up bringing the entire family drama again. And i vividly remember my dad telling me. "Tell me you are 100% telling the truth and please know if you are, i am cutting my entire family from me and i will never talk to them again." I said yes but carried for a while holding this guilt of breaking an entire family and my dad no longer having a mother or sister or relatives to trust. Even to not talking to his mother when she had cancer and later died.
Ive moved on, but now being 24 and becoming 25 this year I have lately been going through some PTSD i guess. Thinking about it more and the effects its done for me. Im left being confused. I want a wife and kids but im mainly attracted to guys, i want to feel the warmth of a partner by my side but i can't trust anyone anymore. I dont know if im gay or Bi. I feel like wanting a boyfriend but i become asexual after masterbating not wanting any love at all and feel like a machine. Was it the abuse that changed me!? I have these flashbacks and feel like back then ignorate tho i was, i felt like i enjoyed the abuse. I dont know i just start thinking back to those times and how i felt back then and my hands shake.
I know people always say maybe go see a professional, I just dont trust them. I dont feel like I would ever want to go to them. I know its a stereotype and i feel bad for the theropists but i just dont want some bloke who i have to pay $300 an hour to tell me what my issues are and his validation is a piece of paper on the wall.
Now Have a spoken to my parents, yes. Recently having discussions about them when it comes to wanting a relationship.
Have I spoken with friends. They know about my past but i havent vented to them in a while, i feel guilty leaving this garbage on their laps.
Im just a bit down the last few days, which i dont think ive ever have this way. So i just needed to vent out some shit.