I (23M) met my girlfriend (24F) on a language learning app about 6 months ago. We hit it off quickly and moved off the app. Early on, I knew she had a boyfriend (it was on her profile), but she told me the relationship was falling apart — she said he was cheating, disrespectful, and generally not going anywhere in life. She ended up leaving him, and we started seeing each other long distance.
We met in person after about 4 months and things felt great. Before that, she had mentioned having a couple of long-term male friends who were important to her. When we met, I noticed she brought up a guy she’d only known for a few months but described him like he was “long term.” That didn’t really add up, but I let it go.
At one point I saw a message pop up from him saying something like “enjoy the 30 seconds 💀,” which felt off, but again, I chose to trust her. She told me he sometimes talked to her about girls he was into, and I asked her to set a boundary there because it made me uncomfortable. She agreed.
We became official and went back to long distance. A couple of weeks later she told me he randomly called her (they’d never called before), and she mentioned he was giving her emotional support. I told her I’d prefer she lean on me instead of another guy for that, and she agreed again.
When we met again, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. I made a bad decision and went through her phone. What I found honestly shook me.
Their chats were full of him making sexual comments and advances, and she didn’t shut them down. She would reply in a way that kept the conversation going. There were conversations about sex, including her talking about experiences with her ex, mentioning owning/using a sex toy, joking responses to his comments, etc. He also disrespected me and made fun of things like a hotel I paid for, and she didn’t defend me. There were also “one-time view” photo exchanges.
I confronted her immediately. She broke down, blocked him everywhere, and deleted all their chats. She said it was a mistake, that she wanted to tell me but didn’t know how. She swore nothing explicit was sent in those disappearing photos, but I have no way to verify that. I forgave her.
Fast forward — she started training to be a flight attendant. Since then, she’s been more open. She even set boundaries herself (limiting interactions with guys, being transparent, etc.). Things felt like they were improving.
Then recently, I checked one of those websites that shows recent Instagram follows. I found out she followed (and followed back) a guy from her course who had been openly flirting with her.
When I asked her about it, she denied it at first. Then her story changed multiple times:
- First: she felt pressured because everyone was sharing Instagrams
- Then: she actually followed him first
- Then: she admitted she wasn’t pressured, she just wanted to fit in
- She also admitted she hid him from her activity so I wouldn’t see
She broke down again, said she was scared of losing me, and apologised. I forgave her again.
Since then, she’s been what I’d call a “perfect” girlfriend — very transparent, affectionate, even offering passwords (which I declined because I want trust, not surveillance). She’s deleted Instagram voluntarily and seems fully committed.
But I can’t get past everything that’s happened.
We’ve only been officially together for about 3 months, and:
- She entertained inappropriate conversations with another guy and hid it
- She lied again about following someone she knew I’d be uncomfortable with
- Both times, she only told the full truth after being confronted
Now I feel insecure, jealous, and constantly on edge — which isn’t who I normally am.
I keep wondering:
- Can trust actually be rebuilt this early after multiple breaches?
- Is this a pattern (lies when convenient)?
- Am I being too harsh, or not harsh enough?
- What were actually in those disappearing photos?
She seems genuine now. She’s caring, affectionate, and makes an effort. We have strong chemistry and she’s planning to get her own place where I’d visit often. On the surface, it feels like a great relationship.
But underneath, I just don’t feel at peace.
What would you do in my position?