was non binary in middle school, now starting to question things again at 18
Like a lot of chronically online teenagers, I identified and dressed like a typical internet nb for several years, mainly from seventh grade to 9th grade. In 10th grade I had to move schools (and towns).
In middle school and part of high school I went by they/them pronouns and was pretty comfortable with my identity. It's not that I absolutely hated being called a girl but identifying as non binary aligned more with who I am as a person inside.
In 10th grade I moved to a more conservative, smaller town where there were fewer openly LGBTQ people and I guess I felt the pressure to fit in. I grew my hair out and started dressing very very feminine junior year. This got me a ton of external validation.
I am now in senior year and feel somewhat if a grief of not exploring my identity further. I would like to be myself but have been playing a charade for so long that it's hard to figure out who is the real me.
I have a lot of self loathing about that part of me and feel guilty for things I have said about the community. I think it's because part of me is jealous that you guys choose to be your true selves no matter what others say.
My conflicting identity truly causes distress and I think about it every day. I have no one to talk to about it. How do I rediscover myself so that I can figure myself out?
any advice or comments are welcome. Thank you all for being such a warm and welcoming community.