I (26M) am in sort of a limbo with my gf (23F, soon to be ex I guess) because a couple days ago she discovered I had crossed boundaries in multiple ways.
I had crossed boundaries that I had forgotten that she had set.
The ones I did remember, including no OF models, was also something I crossed on my end.
I only cheated with porn and OF. We had a really bad DDay. At first she deleted all the porn and kept asking why. She got toxic with me and because of the issues in our relationship that led me to where I acted out, I lashed back out at her. It was all out of character for me. The lying, the rage, the mean things I said, all of it. But I still did it. And I hurt her. Not physically but I still did it. She blocked me on everything and 2 days later broke into my house unannounced to get her things. Afterwards I blocked her back, terrified of the eventual breakup text and needing to think.
Fast forward to tonight. I've stopped all porn usage and masturbation since DDay. She deleted everything but I haven't gone back. I unblocked her because we were going to see our couples' therapist tonight, but my therapist thought it better to talk to my partner solo instead. And then reach out to schedule another appointment later. My partner still has me blocked.
Before unblocking her I contacted a friend connected to the situation and I asked whether unblocking now was still a good idea since my therapist changed plans. At the time of writing, I was supposed to unblock her today because that was the appointment we were going to see each other again. The friend said I should do it anyway. And that "despite her decision I wish you the best of luck going forward". And I asked if we were still friends and she said "I don't feel comfortable being friends with my best friend's ex that essentially cheated on her". My partner and I still haven't talked or scheduled another counseling session.
Between now and DDay I've been completely cut off from the friend group and my partner (or ex maybe, I don't know). How do I move through this? I'm essentially alone. She met those friends through me and now I essentially have ties to none of them. I didn't just lose her, I lost a community. And I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to show her I'm sorry or if there's even a chance for me to do that. I caused her so much pain because I didn't have the backbone to say something about mine. How do I get through this?