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Hi, I’m 22 years old. And I need advice or a look from other, more experienced people. For 22 years, I lived thinking that I am a normal nice guy who has empathy. But 2-3 weeks ago, I found out that it’s probably not like that.
I don't want to get tangled up in it because it's longer, but I will be happy if someone reads it to the end and gives me advice.
It started like this: in November of last year, I was sitting in a doctor's waiting room for an examination. And my mom wrote to me: I love you ❤️. And I wrote back coldly: I know, you don't have to keep repeating it to me. And I forgot about it, and then I started noticing that something is different with me.
I don’t feel love. When someone expresses feelings to me, I don’t feel any physical sensation in my body. I never felt it, and I thought it was okay, that everyone has it like this, and that people express feelings only because that’s just what you do. I understood it as a way for a person to show that they stand by me, on my side.
In fact, 2 weeks ago, I asked my sister if she really feels something when someone expresses love to them, and she said yes. And I said that I never felt it, and her eyes got glassy, she was probably sad that I don’t feel anything like that.
At the same time, I don’t need validation from anyone; I am an independent unit. For example, it always bothered me when someone from my family called for my birthday and wanted to wish me all the best; it felt like a nuisance to me.
With my friends, I always did this thing where I like, listened to them, and answered the way they expected, and even reacted according to their expectations. I asked questions based on what I thought they expected such a question to be. And I didn't perceive it as something I was doing consciously; I just did it naturally.
Twice, a friend arranged a job and an interview for me, and I told him I would be there, even though I knew I wouldn't come, but I wanted to think it over more, so I lied that I would come. When my relationship with a girl fell apart and I lost her, I was sad about it, or like, I wanted her back, but I didn't think about how much I hurt that girl anymore, only that I am suffering now and I lost something.
Now let’s go back to childhood
When I was 5, I went to the store with my mom and sister, and I wanted my mom to buy me a magazine (there was a toy attached to it, a small Formula 1 car). Mom told me there was no money for it, so I took two magazines, unzipped my jacket, and hid them inside the jacket. I walked past the cash register, and outside I unzipped the jacket, pulled out the two magazines, and told my mom – look what I have. (I took a magazine for my sister too haha).
At six years old, however, for example, I took a knife from the kitchen and went to my sister with it, and as soon as she started crying, I put it back in the kitchen; I did this several times.
When I was seeing a girl or had something with her and she loved me, after a few months (3-4 months), she completely cooled off; suddenly she didn't give me care and tenderness anymore. And I always kicked those girls out because they were boring.
I often played friendships on both sides.
Additionally, I gave two punches to my uncle because he said a stupid joke about my mother, and I stood up and gave him two punches and grabbed him by the throat. I was under the influence of THC; sober, I wouldn't do it. That was a year ago; until now, I don’t feel ashamed of it, I don’t feel regret or guilt.
At the same time, I cannot feel empathy for other people; I only have strong cognitive empathy, but not affective. One girl who loved me, her dog died which she had for 14 years, and she was sad, and I made a joke out of it so she wouldn't be sad.
For 14 days straight, I also lied to my mom’s face that I was going to work, even though I wasn't going, because I didn't want to listen to her talk (nagging) and I didn't want to give her stress. I planned to tell her once I had another job secured.
Also, when someone betrays me, I am capable of taking revenge even 5-10 years later, and ideally so that they don't even have a clue that I am behind it. These are my fantasies. That I wouldn't take revenge physically, but by getting them evicted onto the street along with their family, and that they would lose their job. But I would want them not to know that I am behind it.
I wouldn't hurt my family, my mom and sister, plus I would never hurt babies and women (physically). By the way, I feel a sense of belonging when I drink alcohol.
Well, that's about all, it’s not everything, but I hope it's enough for some of your judgment.
Thanks for the answer.