I was diagnosed with autism ten days ago after about 12 years of wondering (I’m 45 now). And I have predictably been up and down about it - but mainly feeling some sort of peace with understanding a lifetime of challenges.
My friend and I live far away from each other but enjoy what I thought was a deep friendship - hours long conversations, fun trips away every few years. I have told her things I have told only my partner. And she has shared some pretty dark things with me - and I have never judged her, just focussed on being a good friend and listening.
I loved this friendship especially as I felt very heard and seen - unlike a lot of other friendships I didn’t put her on a pedestal, I felt I saw her and her flaws fully and likewise.
Example - we are very different politically but I have always accepted she has a different POV and I don’t want to be polarised by politics from a human whose company I genuinely enjoy. We stay off some topics - and maybe that’s why I never shared my suspicions about myself previously…
We talk a lot on voice notes and were back and forth when she asked how I was - I had just that week got the diagnosis so I let her know.
Her reaction on replying was as if I just revealed I am a secret werewolf or something: ‘why did you do that?? Why would you seek that out?? I am very confused about why you did that. Should I call you ‘on the spectrum’ now??’
So I texted back and said ‘I know it might seem random but I have been thinking about it a while’ and sent some links about how it is for women. Explained I had a full over 7 hours with a proper clinical psychologist.
Silence. Not even able to squeeze out a kind word - even if she thinks I am wrong or crazy - not one kind word.
I am so sad and angry: I supported her through some bat shittery and this is what I get? Am I doomed now to a lifetime of literally zero friendships??