u/Extension_Cricket485

I feel absolutely hopeless and utterly exhausted. For the past few days I’ve been freaking out more and more and I’ve come to the realization that maybe things won’t get better. My cousin is missing and I’m worried all day and night and i feel guilty that I was worried about how I’d respond to it than the actual news even tho I know I care and love for her so much but uhghhhhhh my god I’ve also been going down a rabbit hole about morality and how every human is a monster and myself included but then it goes from me thinking I’m the worst and comparing it to others and maybe I am a bad person but so is everyone else then I think about my friends past actions and how they view things and judge LIKE I ACTUALLY DONTTT CARE but it’s invading my mind and I’m freaking out about potential consequences for whatever I did and I have no idea what’s real or not AHHHHH whatever, and I’m still doubting I have ocd but at the same time maybe I don’t and im just CRAZY!!! ok that’s fine

I’ve actually been quite good these past few days about pocd and not caring about the thoughts and moving on with my day but I started to feel.. a little too comfortable? Theres this show I enjoy and the main characters young but I didn’t really care and nor did I have any thoughts so I thought it was okay. There’s this older couple I enjoy and I engage in media of the older characters like fanart and fanfics only but I was thinking that maybe I’m faking my ocd symptoms since I’m not diagnosed yet and if I actually don’t have it then maybe the thoughts I had about my family/animal/children were real? I know it’s insane to even think that way because I’d never want to do anything regarding the sorts and I’d never look at them romantically or sexually but I’ve been having like a groinal response that lasts like ALL day and it’s not even because I have those thoughts of images anymore like it’s just the response down there. I am genuinely terrified and I went down the Reddit loophole of pocd and non offending pedophiles (???) like I get I’m not supposed to look for reassurance but this is soooo fricken scary and i have no idea what to do. My old advice was to sleep before these spirals happen but it came like two hours early and i feel utterly hopeless. I understand my body in a way that what I feel sexual attraction to be as in i want to masturbate and how these groinal responses feel but when I love or shift my body it sort of twitches and feels like an orgasm but I don’t want it?? With the fear and thought I’m faking everything and the way this feeling down there is getting worse, I genuinely have no hope in ever telling anyone what’s going on in my life. How do I tell my friends who have younger siblings and cousins that I had thoughts I didn’t want? I feel so gross and angry about this because I thought I knew how to help myself just for it all to come crashing down.

Does anyone else have like a specific song or two that you can’t listen to? Theres a song that has the lyrics “I wonder what clothes you wear to school” and it’s only that part on loop for an entire day or three or else there’s “my daddy’s got a gun” like anything violent or something like the first one always make me feel icky and gross and I’m always trying to push the lyrics out but it’s so embarrassing lol especially since they’re popular on tiktok💔

Did anyone else think they were asexual because of the ocd themes they had? Im a lesbian and thought I was asexual because of my horrid pocd and iocd and was TERRIBLY afraid of intimacy! Im older now and realize thats not the case, its crazy how ocd can make you overthink stuff so much haha

I’ll just get right into it, Im afraid that if I accept that I had these thoughts then I’ll have to tell the entire world I had sick images/thoughts/groinal response to things no one should have. I’ve had IOCD, POCD, Animal? Ocd (zocd?), morality ocd, real event ocd, and the theme that’s sticking out right now is like Im always afraid the cia is watching my everyone move and if I’m outside they’ll arrest me and show everyone my Reddit/tiktok saves about ocd and if I admit that I have these thoughts they’ll come to find me😭 I’m also afraid of what my friends will think because I love them so much and I trust them but I feel so nauseous whenever I speculate on it because what if they find out what pocd is and think I’m just a pedophile which I’m not. Im also afraid of accepting because it’d be me admitting that I really did have those thoughts and I’m a monster who doesn’t deserve to live. If I go to therapy and they expect me to think of these thoughts/groinal responses as “normal” or I should just shrug it off makes me incredibly uncomfortable because how could I ever think what I think is a normal thought. Usually I spiral around after midnight but I’m an insomniac so it doesn’t get much better. Anyways, thank you for reading, hope all is well to whomevers reading this