u/Extension_Ball_3632

Im a 21F that has been single for almost 2 years. I broke up with my boyfriend because I wanted more, someone more atractive, more interesting and more fun to be with, and before you think im a prick he was a toxic jerk ok? But yeah im a prick. Anyways, since then I only had casual relationships. I dont really know where im going with this but I just needed to get it off my chest. I consider myself very atractive, I know i'm only single because I want to but I just cant fake it anymore, no one is THE one for me, no one makes me think that the act is actually worth it, to make me actually try to be someone better for them. Dont get me wrong, in my casual relationships I go by easily, but I just cant fucking do it anymore, I feel less than my friends because they have someone that loves them and im all alone, because I want to feel love like they do, I want to experience love like someone normal, I want to have someone that makes me want to get better and work on my NPD but I JUST CANT. I just cant get interested enough for that, I can't make another gamble and risk another trauma, I can't let they know my rotten insides. And after all this when someone just shows that they might like me more I just ghost them and repeat the cycle.
I also have a lot of friendships problems, I can ony have long everlasting friends (2 years or more) if we rarely contact each other, basically my only friends are the ones I see in 2 to 2 months.
Is there anyone in this world that would be willing to just understand me, not say Im a robot or a egocentric disgusting manipulator and actually stay with me? Fuck.