5 years later
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\*\*\*\*Please bear with me while reading this. I've had a total of 6 hours of sleep in the past 3 days. It's been a while since I've posted anything and maybe that's been a mistake because I feel like I've been holding too much in but now things are starting to boil. I've been trying to manage my burnout for the past couple of years and have reached the conclusion that you can't treat burnout but I'm at a loss for what to do.
Some background on me, about 5 years ago, after several issues with daycare, my son ( who was 2 at the time) was diagnosed with autism and due to costs and scheduling I ( 37 at the time) had to leave my job and became a stay at home dad. Not knowing much about anything I thought it would be temporary and manageable but I was wrong. On one hand my son is the greatest kid he's kind, funny, and smarter than I was at his age but he doesn't handle his emotions well and will have the occasional meltdown. Even though they're hard to handle I rather deal with it at home versus him having them at school and I know it can't be help but he's regressed a lot this year. He's had to go to 3 different classes all since January.
The economy being what it is life has been a struggle. It's been side hustling when I can and basic needs are covered but things are tight and between the hustles and parenting there's little to no time for anything else in my life. I got a new job last October so we have a little more financial stability but I work 3rd shift because that's the only thing I could find that would allow me to be home when he gets out of school. Needless to say since October my burnout has gotten severely worse. His mom works the standard 9-5 so on school days is where I normally sleep but on days he's not in school I come home from work @ 730 spend the day with him, maybe get a 2 hour nap and then go to work.
I also can't help but think that it has contributed to my son's regression but what other options were there. Between meeting with doctors, teachers, behavior specialists I often feel like everyone is making me feel as if I'm not doing enough but I feel like I'm doing everything I can all the time. Everyone suggests that I relax but I never have any free time and when I do I'm usually interrupted by something within 15 minutes. I feel so drained and with school ending next week I'm honestly scared for how the summer is going to go because at the end of the day I still need to show up for my son but don't know how I can do that in my current state.
I have encountered more stress, anxiety, and anger than I would have thought possible, and already had my own issues before I became a father. My mom has passed and my relationship with my father is shaky at best. The majority of my friends are out of state and the one friend I have that lives close by has a different schedule and honestly it's hard for me to get out. My relationship with my lady has suffered a bit because of how we both have handled things and our stresses and while we're better now than in the past there's still a HUGE difference in what we were. There are several reasons but I guess the main one has been my anger. I have unresolved issues from my childhood and my mom passing away that I realize I never dealt with in a healthy way which has led to me having my own meltdowns where I will scream and rant out of pure frustration. One of my bigger issues is that I don't ever feel like I have enough time. Between meeting with doctors, teachers, behavior specialists I often feel like everyone is telling me that every thing I'm doing is not enough but I'm on my feet all day everyday doing everything I can. But maybe I'm wrong and maybe there's something I'm missing either because I'm tired or stressed out and would welcome any advice or even some words of encouragement. I'm sorry this post was too long and whiny but I wanted to try and provide context.