My partner(23m) and I(23f) have been together almost 2 years. I would say this is my first relationship where I have seen a promising future with a partner so please take that into consideration with your advice. It's a bit of a long post, but all advice is appreciated, i need guidance.
After college I moved to NC from NY for a job. I was making great money and I could afford to live on my own. NC is where I met my partner who is from MA. After 1.5yrs we decided to move to MA where his family is because he wanted to be closer. His dad(46m) happens to run a business on my field and he promised me full time hours year-round.
I was hesitant to leave my independent life, but my partner truly has made me a happier person and has brought a lot of joy into my life. We look great together and before the move I'd say we were completely healthy. On paper we both have the same goals and aspirations. He wants to be successful just as much as I do. Being that I was already making just shy of 6 figures I really was hesitant about the move. My partner and I discussed it several times to great extent. I discussed all my fears associated with the move, my biggest being income. When his dad promised me a job and hyped it up for the 5 months leading up to our move I became more comfortable. A small drop in pay was still better than no job and it gave me time to still contribute to my 401k while searching for a job more tailored to my liking.
His dad had come down to help us move, which I was very grateful for, and we took him out to dinner. I took the time to ask the more nitty gritty questions about the job now that we were face to face. He really hyped it up, answered most of my questions, there were a couple red flags however, it was only temporary and it was purely for a stepping stone as I searched for something better. I was truly excited to start this next chapter with my partner and was excited to be around a family again because I miss mine so much.
When we got to MA the job offer seemed to disappear. His dad refused to talk pay, put me on the books, or give me tasks to accomplish. I basically ran errands, grocery shopped, and met with 1 client. On day one he said that I should apply to other jobs and that he'd be putting my partner on the books and my partner would work for him. Seeing as it's his son, I understood. But for me personally that did not sit right as I trusted his word and all the hype about the job. This is when my stress really kicked in.
We had been staying with the dad so that we could tour apartments and find a place we actually liked. At some point my partner told his dad that I would not be paying my share of rent which was just completely untrue. Im not sure if he said this directly or if the father had just intepretted something that way. The dad can be a bit hot headed and eager to jump the gun and draw conclusions so im giving my partner the benefit of the doubt. But the father comes to me to tell me not to "f*** his son over" and that I was only allowed to be there because his son liked me and not for any other reason because he didnt want me there. I walked away without addressing it, which he intepretted as disrespect, but truthfully I just needed to go back to my partner because I felt like he wouldnt say something like that in front of him. But the comments continued and eventually they were being made at family dinners and out loud to other employees.
I was pretty stung by what he said anything from me only being good as office staff and that i could never handle "real work" to im fatening up his son and i cant cook(cooking and baking are my biggest hobbies and everytime I go home i cook meals for my family at their request). So his comments were simply to get under my skin and any vulnerable angle and he'd find it. At one point he was even calling my teeth ugly because I didnt have braces as a kid, my teeth arent terrible but they are something im concerned about with my appearance. I shaved my legs one day and all day it was a story about me taking too long in the bathroom and how im high maintenance. I would go walk a local trail at the end of the day by myself for some quiet time and he'd come home to say that I wasnt trying hard enough to get a job because if he was me he'd be glued to a computer applying. So there was no peace or safe space to escape to.
After 2 weeks of constant rude remarks from the father, getting yelled at over finding an apartment, and just not feeling like I belonged there I tried to talk to my partner stating that I needed to feel like we were the team we once were and that I was struggling to get comfortable and feel like the move was the right decision. This got heated because to him, im basically asking my partner to choose me over his dad, which can be a tough place and not something I want to cause. But after everything his dad was doing to make me feel uncomfortable i really needed the reassurance that everything would be okay. Instead he stated that maybe I should have stayed in NC and that his dad was never going to change even if he was to talk to him. I definitely exploded when he said that. I had stated my dad would never treat him that way. He would never promise a job then take it away. I stated my dad(51m) would never yell at him or make those kinds of comments and that if my dad did any of those things he would hear it from me and i would stand up and say something. I had apologized for so much nonsense to appease his dad that he started using those apologies against me. He'd say i apologize too much or that i have no backbone or that i cant take a joke. But my partner had completely shut me out by that point in the discussion. He wasnt going to make waves for himself with his dad and although he was hearing what his dad was saying to and about me, he told me that I needed to lighten up and accept his dad for who he is.
After that argument my partner told me to leave because if he could get his dad to change then the necessary change was for me to leave. And within 2 hours he had packed my car. Took his name off our shared storage unit and I was on my way without a goodbye. I had to leave my mattress my dad bought me for my first Christmas in NC because his dad refused to let us use his truck to move any of my personal furniture we had at his house. I had to leave all my baking supplies, all my plants, one of our cats, and several pieces of furniture. My partner immediately blocked, unfriended, and unadded me on any platform. Cold turkey just gone. Ive never seen him act like that before.
2 days later my partner texts me. We set up a time to call. We talk things out for hours. And he tells me he found an apartment so we can move away from his dad right away and that he understands my perspective and that he too is feeling stressed from the move and we agree staying with his dad was not our brightest idea.
Flash forward another week, we have our own apartment and his cousin(24m) stays in our second bedroom. I just got a fantastic job offer making just a tad more than I was in NC. My partner and I have not seemed to have returned to the couple we were before the move. He started calling me by my full name like his dad does(nobody uses my full name, I dont even have it on my resume). He is constantly too tired to talk after work but has time to go to the liquor store, build his personal furniture, go to his mom's, and go to town with his cousin. I think last night we had less than an hour together to just talk and be with eachother. Earlier this week he asked if I wanted to run errands with him to which I excitedly agreed but then when he got home he asked if id just stay home and cook him dinner so when he returned he could eat because he was hungry. I still went but he silenced me out and really I was just a third wheel.
He had also told his dad that he didnt want to work for him anymore as he was refusing overtime pay and wasn't giving any benefits to my partner. The dad took full offense stating that I was playing him like a puppet and that I was controlling. I had no idea my partner was thinking about getting a new job, we hadn't talked about his dad or anything since id been back because his dad is still a tough topic for him. My partner claims to have defended me however, I feel put off again because I was just blindly accused of controlling my partner which I can assume will happen again and again if we choose to stay together.
Do we ever go back to normal? I want to be his place of peace to come home to but he calls his mom to consult with her before he talks to me now. I'm not sure he will ever choose me in the ways that I need in order to feel secure in the relationship. I made this huge move and gave up my established life for him to be closer to family. I feel like I have to remind him or constantly show him my value. Like I have to prove my worth to him. I dont want him to be in a place where he feels like he is choosing family vs me, but I wish he would've stopped his dad from yelling at me or showed me some sign that we are still in this together.
Should I find my own apartment close to my work and get back to my safely independent life? Am I just being extremely sensitive because of the moving stress? I dont want my partner to feel like he has to choose me or his family, but I do want to feel chosen in a relationship. How do I navigate those feelings?