u/ExperienceGood8747

I just recently started seeing this new therapist for EMDR. There have been a few (maybe more than I'm giving credit to) red flags that I wanted to express to those who have lots of experience with EMDR and EMDR therapists as she is the first therapist I am seeing for EMDR and to be fair, we have only had a handful of sessions. ***TW: vague mention of SA***

1. Long story short, there was a lot of issues with scheduling when I first made my appointment due to weather and flooding so I was totally understanding, until she kept rescheduling me and either would cancel last minute or leave me hanging on telehealth and never logging on or communicating with me. After we established appointments, she could not schedule me regularly for months. She would keep changing my appointment days and times, so I'd see her one week on Thursday at 6pm and then Sunday at 1pm and then next week shed schedule me Thursday at 5pm. Because of this, there was one session that I showed up 27 minutes late to (I thought it was at 6PM and it was 5PM). I walked in and she disappointingly said "Well I'm going to have to charge you out of pocket for this session since its more than halfway over, also, were not going to be able to do EMDR anymore today because we now don't have the time to." me being a people pleaser, I apologized profusely and said it was all my fault and I will happily pay out of pocket. Looking back, I realized I gave her so much compassion for scheduling and rescheduling and she was so cold the day I show up late due to inconsistent scheduling.
2. She at first was hesitant to start EMDR with me because "most people who think they need EMDR really just need good therapy so I might suggest against EMDR after a few sessions"... okay that's fine. She said we would complete a mental health evaluation on my first appointment, which we didn't do because she got sidetracked by something I mentioned to her early on in the appointment. 4 sessions later, I bring up doing the MH evaluation and she acted like she had no clue what I was talking about. She would prepare me for what we will be working on next week and then completely abandon her plan. She also would take notes a LOT during our sessions but then would completely forget what topics we talk about last week, what we are doing this week, as if she didn't take any notes at all.
3. Due to weather hazards in the beginning of my sessions with her, I saw her via telehealth for the first month. At this point she has mentioned that EMDR might be a good fit for me and explained very lightly how the process works. I said alright cool. We started talking about my trauma and she stopped me and said, "would you like to do a grounding meditation?" and I said sure. She then has me close my eyes and think of a safe space with a provider, protector and nurturer. And then focus on the traumatic event. and then I noticed a light going back and forth through my eyelids during this "meditation". She was doing EMDR and didn't even disclose to me that was she was doing... After that session she jumped right into more EMDR sessions, assuming she walked me all the way through it "the first time" when she didn't.
4. First couple EMDR sessions were done incorrectly, she uses bilateral audio and vibrations in my hands. For the first 3 sessions, the audio and the vibrations were on opposite sides. I asked for confirmation that's how it was supposed to be, and she looks and says "No... it's supposed to be stimulating the same sides... how would bilateral stimulation work if it's on opposite sides?" As if I knew all about EMDR and as if she actually took the time to explain it to me, which she did not.
5. The last session I had with her she'd ask, "what came up?" and I would say emotions I felt, and then ask again, and nothing new came up so I would say "nothing" a lot to her questions, because she told me in the beginning even if I feel nothing to tell her. The session after that, she informed me that I said "nothing" to 18 out of the 25 prompts and that "she can't work with nothing if I am giving her mothing"... I left that sessions defeated and still clueless as to how EMDR sessions are supposed to go.
6. I am focusing on SA trauma, and at the end of a session one day, I told her how I had previously worked with a therapist and worked through one of the SA incidents and how trauma helped me realize my SA was not my fault. She interrupts me and says "Really? How do you think its not your fault?" I was speechless as she tried to gather her thoughts and was trying to formulate what to say to me. She reiterates "Its just in the times I was growing up and when I was your age, it was the opposite and everyone thought 'oh she's dressed like that, she deserved it' and its so hard to wrap my head around the fact that you feel so confident it wasn't your fault"..... I was left speechless again. She said "I don't want to say anything without formulating and thinking it through before saying it to you so I don't trigger or upset you, so I think I will take time to myself to think this through and then I can come back to you with my thoughts".

I am struggling because she is the first therapist I have ever been able to be fully honest with, about all my truama and alcoholism and everything, but I just have a gut intuition that I am uncomfortable and dread doing sessions with her weekly. Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Is this just how EMDR is and should I stick with it?