I feel like I really need to get this off my chest because I'm currently spiralling if I'm being honest and I can't talk to anyone in real life without it getting messy. I’m looking for perspective on a deeply complex friendship dynamic, so this is not me asking for romantic advice. I'm a man, she's a lesbian and we are strictly platonic. Also the age gap will definitely catch some people's eye but I want to be clear, it's a relationship that's just built on cultural shared ground and mutual intellectual support. I'm not her boss, her partner or her superior. I'm just the person she happens to dump her trauma on and she keeps contacting.
I (28M) am in this thing with a co-worker (21F) I had my first shift with sometime last year and honestly? I have no idea what label to put on this. We're certainly not simply co-workers anymore. Neither are we just acquaintances, friends, besties, a situationship or even lovers.
It's kind of a relationship that doesn't fit any box, no matter how much I keep ruminating about this and I'm unsure whether this feels heavier to me than it has any right to be?
From the very first moment we met, there was this weird, immediate and intense chemistry. It went from zero to one hundred in a heartbeat. We've shared our handful of these incredibly intimate and thoughtful moments, from exchanging deeply symbolic gifts, to reading the same book side-by-side or sharing the kind of vulnerabilities and childhood memories (or rather trauma) most people keep buried forever. Many people assumed there was actually more going on between us. It's such an effortless connection with us having a similar cultural background playing a role as well.
She's currently traveling abroad for a couple of months but we've been in constant touch since she arrived at the airport.
All of this sounds super nice actually, doesn't it? If only it wasn't for her constantly fluctuating between being deeply affectionate and suddenly pushing me away or downplaying it immediately as soon as she gets a little bit vulnerable or emotionally open with me. The moment things start getting too real, she acts as if we're just acquaintances. Calling me bro all the time and totally out of the blue as soon as she was on her way to departure felt like such an artificial brake pedal to me.
But it's her initiating at least 90% of our contact. It's her who kept initiating hanging out or making future plans or coming up with stuff we could do together in the future. Speaks of me so highly or gives me incredible compliments. Did some unbelievable sweet things for me.
She's in a very unfortunate situation. Rather new to this country. No real family support at all. Trapped in a marriage with a guy that's even older than me although she is a lesbian. She claims he's her best friend but she has slipped out so many negative things about him that this is very hard to believe. I'm sure she feels super trapped. Apparently he knows about me though as she mentioned he'd never want to meet me and was super insecure.
I feel like I’m constantly being pushed and pulled. I’m starting to wonder if I’m just a placeholder for the validation she isn’t getting elsewhere, or if she’s just as confused as I am. I’m not asking for a label, I just need to know if I’m reading too much into this. Is it normal to feel this emotionally bonded to someone who keeps trying to keep you at arm’s length while simultaneously asking you to be their constant companion?
I also realised that I kind of have this urgent need to always jump to her side to help her whenever she encounters a problem. The contrast of what she's told me about her travels and what she's posted a social media is actually just plain sad in my opinion. Sometimes the eyes are so telling?
Anyways, I feel like she is somebody that is constantly trying to run away and reinvent themselves and just can't find their place in this world just yet. And it's hard to observe without having any right to do something about it. I've told her once, she could always come to me if things are getting unbearable but that's all I can do. Anything else would just be overstepping. Am I playing a saviour role that is ultimately preventing her from finding her own way?
I’ve spent months trying to empower her and encourage her growth, but I’m worried that by being her constant I’m actually enabling her dependency, which I know is unhealthy. I’m asking for advice on how to stop being the 'savior' in this dynamic, not how to control her.
I really wish I could be more detailed describing my situation but I don't want this to be recognised by anybody I know, but I feel like this summary is somewhat not doing this whole situation justice.
Thank you everybody for reading all of this and leaving your two cents! I really appreciate any advice or tips on this situation. Much love! ❤️
tl;dr: I’m (28M) in a very confusing, non-romantic, high-intensity bond with a co-worker (21F). She constantly initiates deep emotional intimacy but abruptly pulls away the moment things get too real.