Struggling with carrying an unbearable amount of guilt over things I did not do
Hi I’m 21 (F) and I don’t have an official diagnosis yet however I have spoken about this with my counsellor and she suspects that I do have ocd. It hasn’t been something that I have been dealing with since childhood however looking back I do think I have struggled with intrusive thoughts and never realised what they were until now.
I began to suspect OCD when I was 19 turning 20 and then when I did turn 20 it felt like my mind turned on itself. I was triggered by a reality TV show that was dealing with some heavy topics and I basically began to wonder if I was a terrible person and had committed the same actions as the person on the show and I spiralled from there on. Since then I’ve been in therapy and had hypnotherapy but I still get triggered by certain topics and I can’t for the life of me figure out why.
It’s gotten to the point where I can’t engage with certain news articles or stories because I equate the persons actions to my own or my mind tells me that I have committed the same actions as that person. For example I have had a super unhealthy relationship with pornography and basically had/have an addiction bc I was exposed to it since I was 8 years old. Not like I watch it every day but when I did watch it, it would consume for like 2 days. Now that I’m older and now know the implications of pornography and the dangers of porn sites I’ve been able to stop because that’s been a reason enough for me to fight back against the urge. However since I have watched it my mind will then equate me to the likes of Diddy or Epstein bc they were perverts etc and I’ll basically feel like I am a terrible person bc I’ve watched porn in the past. Now I know for a fact that I am not like those people however I will still feel like I am and my mind will taunt me over and over and I’ll have to explain to myself why we are not the same over and over and it does not make me feel better at all because I get stuck in the same loop over and over.
I struggle to even talk about it because it feels like I’ll get judged or that people will assume that this “guilt” must have some truth to it when it really does not. Even now I cannot read certain articles because my mind will tell me that I did it and that I am the same evil as that person when I know I have not done such. I live with this constant guilt over actions I have not done and it’s actually hell.
Does anyone have any advice on how to navigate this until I can afford to speak to a specialist.