F30, after seeing messages from another woman on his (M28) phone, I can't seem to get past it, niether I can let go of him, stuck in the middle and it feels like there is no way out. Am I insane?
So I (F30) on a hunch went through his messages and found a conversation between him and a woman (which I was familiar with, all 3 of us were part of an online gaming group at some point), where she makes a comment that indicates she's surprised to see us back together, after which he asks her not to tell anyone about what he has shared with her, she agreed. I didn't know they were talking at all, it's been a while since we parted ways with her and that gaming group of people (over a year). So I confronted him about it and he has told a 1000 lies over the span of many days, trying to either cover his tracks and later justify his actions. In the end he finally confessed that he has talked to her on several occasions, when things weren't going well between us, because he needed help to cope with problems that we had. She is married and has also discussed her marriage with him. He said he couldn't tell me because he felt like that would be a problem between us, the fact that he was shared our intimacy with other people, which is correct, but how is this any better? That's his version of the story and I have no other. I do believe in it, I don't think he has cheated on me in sense that he had any romantical interest in that woman. My problem now is, he shattered the illusion I had that he would never lie to me, that he'd never do such things (he has introduced himself as very religious, against being friends with women that are not his partner, always honest, truthful etc) and I don't know how to cope with it. He has promised me so many things, I believed in every single one and I genuinely thought he'd never hurt me in any way. I still love him, but I don't see him with same eyes anymore, I'm constantly doubting now and that feeling I had when I found out, when he tried to say I'm crazy and overreacting, it never leaves me. He has again made countless promises, that it will never happen again. I'd like to believe, but it's like my body started rejecting him, I just can't be with him without the burden of what he has done. Sometimes I don't even understand myself and I don't know how to go on about it, what to do to ease my mind, is it even possible to trust him again, what to do..