TL;DR:
Husband joined the Army path and went back to college, became very close with a 21F classmate who is now his “best friend.” I’m pregnant, about to quit my job and move for his career, and he admits I’m no longer his best friend and says he’s only staying for the baby. He constantly texts/calls her, lied about spending time with her, and didn’t want me to come support him at an event with her. I feel replaced and unsure if I’m overreacting.
Long version:
My husband (27M) and I (28F) have been married for 3 years. When we got married, he was working in accounting. Afterward, he decided to pursue the Army and wanted to become an officer, which required him to go back to college (he’s from another country). I was really stressed about this huge life change, but I ultimately supported him.
During school, he became close friends with a group of much younger classmates (18–21). I didn’t really connect with them since they’re in a completely different life stage and none are married. Over time, he started spending more and more time with them, and I felt like I was being pushed out. I’ll admit I became resentful of both him and the Army because of how much everything was changing.
Now he’s about to graduate and commission. I’ve financially supported us during this time and built my own career, but my job isn’t remote, so I’ll have to quit and move wherever he’s stationed. On top of that, I recently found out I’m pregnant. So I’m facing moving, losing my job, and becoming a parent all at once — while my marriage feels like it’s falling apart.
About 6 months ago, he told me he no longer considers me his best friend. He says his best friend is now a 21F classmate. He texts and calls her constantly. He puts effort into that relationship but not into ours. He barely reaches out to me, and when we’re together, he’s distant.
Some specific things that are bothering me:
- He set a photo of the two of them as the background of their chat. He’s never done that with anyone else— not even me.
- He spends a lot of time talking to, texting/calling, and hanging out with her but says “nothing is going on.”
- He told me the only reason he’s staying with me is because of the baby.
- When I said I’d go visit family for a break, he signed up for a marathon 3 hours away with her the next day.
- He promised they wouldn’t drive or run to the marathon together, but his activity tracker shows they did run together, so that was a clear lie. And I’m pretty sure they drove together.
- When I offered to stay and come support him at the marathon, he strongly pushed back and said he didn’t want me there.
I’ve apologized for my earlier resentment and told him I want to work on things and rebuild our relationship, but he doesn’t seem interested in putting in effort. He just tells me to “trust him,” but I’m struggling with that given how much time and emotional energy he’s investing in this other woman.
I feel replaced, disrespected, and honestly kind of gaslit. At the same time, I know I haven’t been perfect and did struggle with resentment during all these changes.
Am I overreacting here? Is this something I should try harder to fix, or are my concerns valid?