u/Exotic_Doughnut_854

This is mostly just a rant. Sorry this is going to be really long!! Context: I’m a uni student, living at college and the guy in question is an exchange student leaving in a month or so. The breakup with my ex was pretty mutual, just a natural drifting apart due to getting older but he always treated me well and with respect even if we weren’t what each other needed anymore. I grieved most of the relationship while we were still together, so I was okay after not long. It’s just bitter sweet to think about now.

About a month after the breakup, this guy who I’ve always found attractive and had been friends (not close) with started getting closer to me, and it was obvious what he wanted. First of all, I know hookup culture often leads to feeling shitty about yourself and doesn’t fill that void. Not that I particularly had a “void”, I was just feeling free and like I could do whatever I wanted and there would be no feelings or consequences. Naive I know. I’ll also mention that he was the first guy I got with after the breakup, but I’ve been with a couple others as well. Please don’t judge me… I know it’s pretty hoey but I’ve never had sexual freedom or explored my sexuality since I’d been with my previous partner at such a young age, so I was feeling like I had some catching up I wanted to do in terms of gaining new experiences. Don’t get me wrong, this is not something I regret doing, but I’m wearing the consequences now and I accept that.. but it’s taking a toll on me. That’s why I’m just trying to get this off my chest I guess. I don’t even know if this is the right forum for this, let me know if it’s not.

Anyways, back to the actual story. Me and this guy had a few flirty nights and then when we finally hooked up it was…. Well… really good. It lasted around 5 hours, the time seemed to pass in an instant and we only realised when the sun began to rise. It was very sensual, passionate and there was an energy I’ve never felt before and still haven’t with subsequent partners. I am fairly sure it was mutual haha. I also know lots of guys do very coupley things in bed on a one night stand, so I didn’t think anything of it and wouldn’t want anything from it either, as I’m certainly not looking for a relationship and he is obviously is leaving the country soon anyways, I went into it just wanting to fool around and definitely had no expectations in that regard, but I still didn’t expect to be treated the way I was after.

After we were done and I needed to clean myself up, he went to get me some toilet paper and then basically threw it on me which I found really off putting. I certainly wasn’t expecting any sort of decent aftercare from a hookup but that just felt disrespectful. I’ll also mention that we talked a LOT before we did anything and were having a good night in general, it wasn’t purely sexual. However, after things were wrapped up (two rounds and hours later), he left the room and didn’t really say anything. I was fine with this, and just wanted to be alone and sleep hahah.

Next morning, neither reach out. All communication (which there was a decent amount prior) has halted, and I’m not stupid I know a lot of people do this after a hookup to not get attached or give the wrong impression etc, so again, didn’t really think anything of it. I was satisfied with the night I had. However, we live together, and he started to quite literally avoid me like the plague which was really strange to me since we had a decent friendship which I saw no reason to be changed by the previous nights encounter. I certainly know it’s not because of anything I did, it was a great night objectively hahaha. So I pretty much let this go and thought maybe he’s just awkward or any of the other valid reasons for not wanting to talk afterwards. But yeah, the complete avoiding and stuff kind of felt immature and somehow made me feel strangely “used” which is not the right word but I struggle to describe the feeling. He also spread the word around, lots of people were teasing me about it the next few days. I was a bit annoyed at this, but again, I’m not stupid and I know what guys are like. I texted him about that and he played dumb, so I just brushed it off as immaturity. We eventually began to talk a little more normally as time went on.

Here comes the part that really got to me. He started to get really close with another girl (coincidentally by the same name, same hair colour and same degree which my guy friend loves to give me shit about e.g the “new” (name)). Obviously this is a little weird for me especially when I’m being made fun of by multiple guy friends about it, making me out to be washed up and discarded and replaced. So yeah, even though I know they are joking, this did take a hit on my mental health, which I should mention is subpar and has always been due to suffering from severe depression and anxiety my entire life, as well as going through some other hard things in life rn. Obviously I’ve hooked up with other guys since, and he can absolutely do the same like of course, but it’s the difference in the way he has treated her vs me that has made me feel I guess objectified or “easy” or “desperate” or like some kind of slut.

I should also mention this girl had/has a boyfriend, so it was always going to be a slower burn with them than me and him, but still, watching him stick around her for so long and move on from me so fast does inevitably make me feel pretty shit. This next part, I’m really disappointed in myself about. One night after we all went out, he was all over her as usual. But I assume nothing happened (to this day I don’t know if anything has yet, I’ll be curious to see how he treats her afterwards in comparison to me) and myself, him and another of my guy friends were hanging out smoking and eating food. Long story short, even though he was completely ignoring me and making me feel like some sort of dehumanised sex object, I let him come in to my room and we hooked up again. Of course, same thing, very steamy and intimate but ended in not hearing a word from him afterwards and getting shit from my friends. Again, I want to make it clear I do not expect anything of the exclusivity sort or any real type of connection from it, but something about the behaviour just rubs me the wrong way. I guess because I let him come to me as a last resort for the night, like the second option he knew he could get. It’s slowly been eating away at my self worth, I’m embarrassed about my lack of self respect and that I had reached out to him afterwards and not gotten a response. I just feel a lot of shitty emotions right now, and to be honest, to my complete embarrassment, for whatever reason when I see him and this girl so close it makes my stomach sick and my eyes well up. I don’t even know why, I guess that’s why I’m coming to reddit. I just want to feel validated I guess, like I’m not crazy, and I know I should have seen this coming from my hookup culture behaviour but yeah. I guess it’s partly because my previous relationship was the complete opposite, I’ve always been fortunate enough to have guys basically grovel at my feet, and haven’t experienced this feeling since I was much younger and didn’t get guy attention. Feel free to ask any questions, I’m sure I’ve left out details. Basically, I just feel like a piece of shit and can’t help but hurt when I see these two together. Jealousy doesn’t feel like the right word to describe the feeling either, it’s just the difference in treatment that makes me wonder why her, why me, etc. My self worth has reallllyyy hit rock bottom and my guy friends’ comments do not help.

TL;DR: Got out of a long-term relationship, started exploring hookup culture for the first time, and hooked up twice with an exchange student friend I’d always found attractive. The hookups were super intense and intimate, but afterwards he treated me coldly/avoidantly, told people about it, and now seems to be pursuing another girl very differently (more respectfully/emotionally). I know we were never dating and I didn’t want a relationship, but the contrast in treatment has completely wrecked my self-esteem and made me feel disposable/objectified. My friends constantly joke about it too, which makes it worse. I’m embarrassed I let him back into my room a second time despite how he treated me, and now seeing him with the other girl genuinely hurts even though I don’t think I’m “jealous” in the traditional sense. Mostly just feeling really ashamed, confused, and like my self-worth has hit rock bottom.