u/Exotic-Fix6975

Problem/Goal: i feel like my boyfriend changed after finding out his dad cheated on his mom, and now hindi ko alam if our relationship is just going through a hard time or slowly falling apart because of everything happening around him. sabi pa nila iba din mag cope ang mga lalake :))

Context: my bf and i have been together for 5 years, but we were friends for 4 years before dating. we’ve been long distance most of the relationship kasi decision namin since both of us are so goal oriented din and while we’ve had toxic moments before, things recently became much heavier for us both

about 2 weeks ago, i accidentally found out sa convo ng kapatid niya that his dad cheated on his mom, it was never my intention. before that, he already told me not to read their family GC and wala lang sakin yun, i respected it. so when i saw it, i pretended i never knew because it wasn’t my place to bring up unless he wanted to tell me himself. i know how hard it is to him since he is a family guy and yung parents niya parang perfect talaga, super sweet and healthy towards each other.

after that, i could feel something changed in him. ang bilis niyang ma irritate tapos medyo distant siya. then a few days ago, we got into a heated argument over something really small. imagine we were just playing an online game tapos nagalit na siya saakin kasi ang hardheaded ko daw. during our fight, he suddenly admitted that he’s carrying problems he can’t tell me about, and that’s why he’s been irritated lately

i understood that he is hurting but at the same time, i also got hurt parang naging punching bag niya ako. parang unfair kasi na i’ve had family problems before too, but i never took it out on him like that

we ended up agreeing to give each other space until he’s ready to talk again. eto talaga yung coping mechanism namin, ang mag cool off and nag work talaga yan samin for the past 4 years. it’s been 6 days now. i tried checking in earlier and first time itong hindi siya nag reply after days na nag co-cool off.

and ang nakaka worse pa is i’ll be leaving for europe next week for 2 months. na survived nanamin ang 4 years of LDR so distance itself isn’t new to us. also, never naging issue ang cheating sa amin. walang third party na mention ever in our relationship. we both aren’t the insecure typa people. i can say that we our relationship is quite mature talaga. also i read a lot of things saying that this is how men cope, parang hindi ko alam paano ko i-lugar yung hurt and ang pagka understanding ko.

Attempt: i messaged him earlier and got no reply. i’ve tried being understanding, supportive, patient, and giving him space. i haven’t brought up his dad cheating because i don’t want him to feel betrayed knowing i accidentally found out

Problem/Goal: How do I rebuild my sense of self and emotional independence without distancing myself from someone I genuinely love? Parang na gui-guilty ako while writing this because I know deep inside, l've been avoiding this realization for a while now.

Context: I'm F23 and in a 5-year relationship with my boyfriend, who's also been my best friend since high school. Sa brain niya talaga ako unang na-fall. He was literally the smartest person in our school before, and friendship talaga yung foundation namin before anything romantic. Honestly, we have a pretty healthy relationship. People around us always say that too. We both value our individuality, even chose different universities for college, and agreed to make LDR work because ever since high school, we promised each other na unahin muna namin dreams namin.

We can go out separately with friends, do our own thing, and hindi naman controlling yung relationship namin. We're even currently in a cool off, but that's not my main issue ngayon. Lately kasi, l've been noticing something unhealthy in myself. I've always been confident and independent. I used to do broadcasting and hosting, and I'm generally very straightforward as a person. But recently, parang I'm slowly losing my sense of self.

It's not insecurity over other women. Never talaga yun. I know my worth naman. Na bo-bother ako to how much I want to be involved in every part of his life. I want him to know every detail about mine, and I get uneasy when I feel disconnected sa mga nangyari in his life too. Gets ba? One time, pabiro kong tinanong bakit parang lumiit circle ko sa college compared before, then he casually said, "Siguro kasi in a relationship tayong dalawa tapos LDR pa, kaya malaki boundaries natin." Tinawanan lang namin at first pero later on nag-sink in siya sa akin.

Even with friends, minsan nagseselos din ako kapag nasa ibang circles sila. Hindi naman ako dating ganito. I feel like l'm territorial sometimes?? and I hate that l'm becoming this way. Pero tbh, I still genuinely enjoy my peace and alone time. So hindi ko alam if I'm overthinking this or if I'm slowly becoming too emotionally dependent. And this isn't in any way na na fed-up na ako sa long term relationship, kaya gusto ko ng independency — no never. I would want to marry my boyfriend soon but I have a lot of dreams that are yet to pursue kaya I want my mind to be in a way na hindi ako ma jeopardize.

So I guess I just want to ask — has anyone else experienced this in a healthy long-term relationship? How did you rebuild your sense of self without pulling away from the person you love? Also, if you have book recommendations or activities that genuinely helped you, please share. Preferably something straightforward sana. Hindi na kasi talaga ako natatablan ng motivational quotes or whatever. I'm also in a behavioral science field so medyo aware naman ako sa concepts psychologically/ sociologically, but lived experiences from people is what I sometimes prefer than textbooks.

Previous attempts: Nagbabasa ng self-help online