hi Reddit, I've watched a few videos and I thought posting here might help me sort of some drama I'm going through in my head. I know the tittle is a little crazy but that really is the situation I'm in.
now for context my little brother who for reddit I'm calling M has low functioning Autism, he can talk and do some things for himself but he requires a lot of manging. sensory overload is a big thing for him so there have been more than a few public an non public melt downs over the years. Also worth saying I am a full seven years older than M so growing up my parents very much expected me to help out in manging M, which as you can imagine became a big part of my teen years.
At least in the beginning unlike other people I've heard about my parents weren't crazy about, the understood the autism was a part of who M was and there was no changing that. they always used to take things seriously and when ever he got violent there were consequences so M did learn some behaviours were not ok. Sadly however somewhere along the way my parents stopped doing that which is what landed us here I suspect.
you see five years ago my parents got to know a women who had just moved to our town with her son [my now fiancé] who was also autistic and they seemed to all decided that fact meant he and M would be friends. Autism is just one aspect to a person, I knew that then like I know it now but I think my parents just bought into some mass media craziness.
You see my now fiancé who ill be calling K here was a year older than I am and actually very different from M, to begin with in spite of his mums problems seeing it K was and is high functioning unlike M who is low functioning. K can get obsessive about a lot of things and as a result forgets to do things he needs to do but we are living together now and as a partner all I need to do is remind to do things like wash. Besides that aspect of his personality K is actually rather "normal" which is where the problems started to a large degree.
in our first meeting my parents without telling us by the way left me K and M in the house together while they went to have a day out. The idea had been that M and K would do stuff together because both being autistic would surly mean they would get along while I would be there in case anything happened. Interestingly none of the adults thought to ask if K and M had anything in common besides there brain chemistry, which they didn't by the way.
I could go into detail but the big ones for me have always been the fact M doesn't like getting dirty and K needs to be reminded to wash. another is the fact K is a fan of hard rock and M doesn't like loud noises, I'd add here that K is a fan of steven king and lovecraft which as small disaster once. again I could go on but the one that has always taken the prize for me is the fact that M is a science nerd who loves maths and that kind of thing while K loves nature and now works for his dad wildlife adventure business.
hopefully that paints a picture for you of how different M and K are, to Ks credit he did try to connect with M and I think even M did in his own way but in the end they were just to different. as a result when the three of us where all forced together me and K started talking a lot because we actually did have things in common and stuff just sort of progressed from there. eventually we started dating on the down low and that's been the story ever since so we've actually been together for years at this point
now with that context I get to the issue, you see when it came to college K had always planned to go close to where his dad was so he could also start working at the family business and when it came time to pick I decided to go to the same place. when I made that call though I still hadn't told my parents and K hadn't told his mum, other people including M by the way [people like him can keep secrets] knew but not them. I understand I should have told them but it always felt like it was going to be a massive fight so I just avoided it and eventually me and K were living together and they still didn't know.
when we started talking about getting married though I knew I had to tell them and needless to say the conversation didn't go well. My parents said things like K was meant to be Ms friend not my boyfriend and that I was being selfish for only thinking of my self. Also worth saying here Ks mum called me a predator for taking advantage of someone who didn't know better when she found which in turn led to K tell her I wasn't the one who stamped his v card, that was an interesting evening I can tell you.
all of that was a year ago now and I thought that my parents would come around and want to be a part of my wedding which is happening soon but there still not talking to me. M and I still talk though and he says they think I was in the wrong for starting a relationship with K without talking with them first. I love K he really is an amazing but I wonder if I should have handled things differently so reddit am i the a hole here?