Created a burner bc I felt the need to vent.
I hadn’t realized how many people I’ve been with since I started acting out. I identify as straight but several encounters in can I really call myself that. Maybe I’m bi or heteroromantic.I tell myself it’s just head and I regret it later and I keep going back on those sites. “I’ll try it once” I said. I felt disgusted and several months later found myself back on that site. Just like that, it turned from an experimentation to a habit. To this day I’ll say I’m not attracted to men or masculinity but I’ll get drawn back if it’s for a blowjob and I hate myself for it.
I got exposed to porn at an early age and once it became a routine, I start expanding the things I watched, the things I liked. I was a virgin for a long time and it wasn’t until after college that I started experimenting. It was the first time I got attention from others. I was getting attention from girls but hookups were not easy to come by. So I turned my attention to that site. It was easy to get attention after posting a pic. The feeling of being desired, the taboo aspect, it became my new porn. It felt good in the moment, but I felt empty afterwards.
It came spiraling and spiraling until I decided that I wanted a girl. So I went another site and paid for sex with a woman and lost my virginity. The experience was quick but, i still felt empty and regretful. That too spiraled, using women for sex and men for blowjobs to make me feel something in the moment
I relapsed earlier this year, twice. I bought services from someone trans I’ve been wanting. I guess my addiction escalated to that. It’s a constant battle of going on those sites, messaging them, deleting in a sense of realization and coming back to it like a dog to its own vomit. After the fact, I was happy because i thought I got it out of my system but, I relapsed a couple of days ago at a guy’s gloryhole. It didn’t feel real. I felt like I was faking it and did it on impulse.
I sat down and wrote every sexual encounter I had these past two years between guy and girl. It amounted to 20. Throughout college I had 0 and within two years I amassed 20…..
I feel disgusted with myself. I’ve always wanted a girlfriend but I’m an introvert with social anxiety so I’ve never had gone far with dating apps. My friends try to set me up with others but, how am i going to explain this to a future girlfriend/wife? I’m ashamed because I’ve stooped so low to buying sex and having random encounters with men I can’t look in the face. I feel like I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I feel like a failed friend, son, and brother. I feel like a failed Christian. I wish I was never exposed to this. I wish I was never SA’d as a kid. I wish I could be normal but I can’t….
So I’ve decided that I’ll just be alone. It’ll be easier to just explain it that I’m not interested in anyone. If God brings me to another woman then so be it but, until then. I think this is the solution. I can’t do this again. I can only pray that I recover completely at this point. To anyone reading, please get help sooner than later. Protect your mental health and your future