u/Existing_Mobile6342

I'm a 33yr old female, my 34yr old male ex husband and father of my two children aged 16 and 13, has a tumor on his heart, he's getting a biopsy today and a pet scan to see if its anywhere else in the body. We were young lovers, high school sweethearts. It was a rocky relationship, we were young, got married right when we turned 18, but he was my rock when i was young. We grew up together and he was my first everythhing, he turned abusive after awhile so we divorced. We were only 20. Over the years we have had ups and downs, but he is almost like a brother to me in a way. His gf took him to the er Sunday because he felt short of breathe and had a headache so bad that he couldn't see almost. The orignial ct scan found the mass that is over half the size of his heart. His lymnodes are swollen all over his body. He says looking back he should have went in sooner becasue he has had symtoms for a long time. Our oldest son, 16 couldn't handle seeing him before he was taken to the cancer hospital, our youngest, 13 did go and we sat with him and his other children. He is in great spirits considering the news. Hes determined to beat it. My feelings are all over the place, am i allowed to feel this deep heartache? I'm not his significant other, or a gf, i feel almost guilty in a way, our kids don't understand why i'm so upset because he hasn't been the nicest person to me. I'm lost on how to navigate this, i don't know what to do. I also just lost my own father last year, in a week long terribly slow death and i was there the entire time. This is overwhelming, I haven't even greaived my own father completley now i'm lost on how to help my own boys with theirs. Please i need advice.