My life has gone to shit in the last 3 years and I’m afraid it’s not getting better and won’t ever
Hello,
In the last 3 years my life has gone, excuse the negativity, to shit.
My grandfather died of a brain tumor.I have gone from financial abundance to not being able to pay my bills or even buy food for myself. I once had thousands of dollars in my savings account and today my checking account has 1 cent in it. My father was diagnosed with cancer and he’s going to live but watching the chemo deteriorate him is brutal . My 23 year old friend died of cancer around the same time my grand father died. I promised her she’d be okay and I hate that I did every day. At the same time, my amazing gf ,who I manifested with perfection,dumped me. The same day my gf dumped me, I’m not kidding, my brother had a heart attack. My job, which was once extremely abundant, out of no where died out. I get paid and it all gets taken by bills and worst of all it’s not even enough. I weigh more than I ever have. I was a gym rat and truly LOVED the gym. Now I’m so depressed that I don’t exercise, so it made me gain weight. The anti depressants were suppose to help but they made me gain weight and feel more depressed. I had to leave law school because my father got sick and my return seems more distant as time goes by. Finally, on top of all of this my debt has somehow multiplied and seems to keep growing. To make everything worse I picked up a vice, gambling, which just makes me feel so horrible but I can’t stop it because it fills me with a false sense of hope.
3 years ago, I was a bright law student with an amazing future career and a gf who adored me and planned to marry me. I had a job and coworkers I loved and most importantly let me live very comfortably and travel a lot. I was confident and extremely successful. I lived a life that today I’d give anything for.
Today, I try to be kind and forgiving with myself but if I’m being honest it’s hard to fight those negative thoughts. Especially now that I’ve turned 30, It’s hard to not feel like a loser, a bum, and a failure, despite all the potential I have. All these unfortunate events happened and were out of my control, but I’m still responsible for them and that part is so painful/angering.
I spend most of my days locked in my room either sleeping or distracting myself with video games. I cry almost every day and any time I’m alone. I have no one really to talk to because I’ve isolated myself out of shame. I’m too ashamed to let people see me like this so I hide away.
Everyday that goes by I grow more angry at life because I feel like it robbed me of everything. It took everything I loved and left me in this dark hole. I try to meditate, say affirmations, avoid spiraling, and remain hopeful. However, deep down inside I’m terrified that this will be my life forever. I had so much potential and so much future to live, but now it feels like I’m slowly wasting away. I feel numb most of the time if I’m not crying. Nothing interests me or makes me feel happy. I haven’t slept well in the last year. My mind hasn’t rested in the last 3 years. I don’t think I’ve felt peace or relaxed in so long.
I know things are worse for others out there and I know even at this point I’m very lucky, but it’s hard to feel it and not just give up.
In my heart, I’m a fighter, but I’d be lying if I say I haven’t thought about just giving up because I’m more exhausted of living like this than anyone will ever understand.
This is a throw away account because I’m ashamed but it’s a genuine post. I’ve never shared any of this with anyone out loud, so please be kind.