I (f 29) and my husband (m 36) have been married for 5/6 months now. It seems every argument we have is family related.
I come from a relatively healthy family, we have love for each other and we love hanging out together, you can say we’re close know for sure.
He comes from a chaotic toxic family. There’s always drama and family member not speaking to each other. His mom is manipulative and puts her kids against one another, he being the only son, his mom uses him for her financial needs and she’s always playing victim. He’s someone that values family and is always trying to keep peace .
So now when I came into the picture I entered hostile environments where his sisters and his mom each with their own agendas faked kindness until they couldn’t. They also realized I’m very well rooted in who I am and what I stand for and I never felt the need to suck up to these ppl or win them over given I’ve heard enough. Additionally they were never welcoming or genuine. His mom chose not to come to our wedding, cursed us and said foul things to him the night of the wedding. His sister’s disrespected me at my own wedding. They were entitled and put on a front they ran the show when they contributed nothing and never once acknowledged me.
After seeing all this an enduring it for so long after I got married I called it quits and there was no trying with these ppl. They were a bunch of toxic narcissistic woman and really drained me. Since I’m here trying to build a happy healthy drama free marriage and family I blocked them in social media and chose to move on removing them from my life. I told my husband that they were his family, not mine so I can’t be the one standing in his way and I won’t restrict him. However at some point if they want entry into the home we live in, they must acknowledge their behaviour and wrongdoing and a conversation will need to be had. This was something we agreed up and he also chose to distant himself from his family.
I’m not seeing that this is really hard for him and when my family comes over ( they come quite often announced) he feels they not respecting boundaries and they need to call before dropping by and not come over as much. Again this is where upbringing comes into play, we are used to this as growing up we are a close knit family and always had each other by our sides so we never walked on egg shells an had honest conversation with one another. I personally don’t feel like they are intruding because I raised his concerns and they are working on respecting it.
my family is being understanding towards him however he sees it in a different light - he thinks They lack common sense and are not trying hard enough. Like for my family I’m the eldest daughter that took care of everyone and I was their anchor. So they definitely miss me and come over just for familiarity. They understand boundaries given they only come over during my work from home days and they stay for a few hours just watching tv, helping me out with something. he’s at work when they come to hang out and they leave once he’s home so they aren’t intruding his space. they want him to have time with me and get when u come home from a long day of work u may not wanna interact with people. He things they are too much and take life too lightly and they hinder my growth. If we just hanging out laughing, then there is no need for them to be there cuz it’s not purposeful.
I did ask him if he feels some time of way because his family isn’t coming over to which he said it would be great if they can but can’t. Also, if his family did this then I wouldn’t be reacting the same way. Which he is probably right, maybe if they were likeable different ppl then I wouldn’t mind but we’d never know.
Anyways, this is literally the topic we always fight about - his family being toxic and my family coming over so much
I don’t even know how to go about this…..