Hi guys! I know there are many posts here about bad moms, but I just really wanted to take my experiences off my chest so I felt a bit better once in a while, sorry if the rant was long.
Growing up, I didn’t have a good relationship with mom, and by I mean not good, I mean she is really really mean, and harsh about everything I did. I was born Asian, so I was used to being hit as a kid or heavily insulted (about my appearances or she would just call me vulgar names) when I did something she didn’t like. Sometimes she would whoop me in the butt lightly, but sometimes she would starve me just because my apologies didn’t seem genuine to her. This always happened when I was a kid until I turned 16. She had always dictated what I could do (she cut off my hair once because she didn’t like the haircut I was having during my teenage discovery phase), she hated when I dressed masculine, and insisted I had to act a certain way if I’m committed to being a man (which I never wanted to be a man but she thinks genders are only valid if you’re either a man dating a woman or a woman dating a man). Shes the type of person who would bring one favor she did for you up if you annoyed her, or more she would try to scream at everyone just to get what she wanted. I became introverted and less social, especially around her and I didn’t have a lot of friends due to the fact I gradually got more awkward. When we moved to a different country, I was exactly 16, I skipped one school year just to work so i could support my family (I paid half of the bills ever since), I ended up going back to school when I was 17 and missed many opportunities to know people which i regretted, but never really hated it. I came to realize if i kept working and made more money, my mom would eventually grow to tolerate me. My life when I thought of my mom around is dreadful, but I’ve always hoped we would come around and have a good mother-daughter relationship.
Despite having her tough love, I tried to be as gentle and diplomatic as possible whenever I communicate with her the more I grew up. I just turned 20 recently, and wanted to get a tongue piercing really bad as a birthday present. I brought the idea up to her and she didn’t say anything, so I would assume she would be fine. My partner convinced me that this is something I really wanted and I’m an adult now, so it should be easier since I was ready to tell my mom the responsibilities that came with the piercing etc. My stupid move was to get it without actually telling her, so on the fourth day of having it, she suddenly asked if I got my tongue pierced on my birthday for real and I said yes. Nonetheless, she blew up and started screaming at me, full on screaming, she was livid. At first, I thought we were joking fighting but when she started insulting me I realized how bad it was. She started calling me a sl*t, selfish, inconsiderate, dumb for “ruining” my body, then she started crying saying that she raised me so much and this is how I repaid her. For context, I do have on nostril piercing pierced, and my ears but thats about it. She said I’m demonic, and I’m actively trying to ruin her life which I would never, then she started threatening to kill herself over me being stubborn and out-of-control. I was ashamed of myself, like, a lot, I couldn’t stop sobbing, I didn’t even look at her in the eyes I just pretended to type something on my phone so I didn’t seem too emotional.
I don’t know what to do. I texted my piercer that I have to take my piercing out asap and she understood it. But I still feel so ashamed. I didn’t really want to think she would actually kill me, or herself over this, but she told me she would bring this to grave and never forgive me. I feel so so so stuck. I just wished I had one of those relationships where kids can just get a surprise piercing/tattoo and joke about it with their mom, I’m so so jealous of them. I feel so pitied but I had no choice to make her happy or she would flip the whole house over.