My mental health will be my doom. Not today, not tomorrow, but one day.
TW ideations & plans, depression & bipolar 2
I’m 26 yrs old, the eldest in the family. I currently have no job, no hobbies, nothing. I worked right after college then after 4 years of working in mental health (which is the supposed track for my career), I got burnt out really bad.
I’m diagnosed with Bipolar 2 and this has been the most depressing episode by far. I have amazing support systems. My family is very tightly-knit and progressive (very aware of my MH). When you think about it, I shouldn’t be su!c!dal. But that’s the thing. It’s my mind’s automatic pathway every single day (even on manic days).
My sibling after me is in a stable job with great income, enough to support the family. Everyone gravitates to her and treats her as the eldest. She is more dependable. I’m saying this not because I’m jealous, but because I know that when I leave this world, nothing much will change because I have no responsibilities nor reason to stay. I really don’t.
Living in the PH sucks. Medication and therapy are very expensive and I don’t want to tell my family because we’re just one hospital bill away from poverty. I feel like a parasite for not helping out at home. But I can’t help but dismiss this pain knowing that there’s a war going on and other people are stuggling far worse than me. It just doesn’t make sense for me to stay anymore.
I’ve already prepared an album and playlist for my funeral plus a document containing my will, last letter, and bank details to cover for the expenses. I don’t want my death to be a burden so I’ve already planned out the aftermath as much as I can.
It’s just a matter of time when. I actually don’t plan on acting on these thoughts, but I definitely won’t mind getting run over by something. I’ve befriended the fear of leaving this world because I can already visualize it and have gotten used to the image. Sometimes, I wish I had a chronic illness so people won’t have to blame themselves when the time comes. Hayyy
Thanks for listening. I don’t expect this post to be noticed, and please don’t feel pressured to talk me out of this. Hearing other similar people think of su!c!de won’t reassure me because in that case, I’m just like any other person then. Like I said, I’ve befriended the fear. Nothing to worry now. It’s ironic for me to say this but take care everyone!