hi everyone! i think this is the right sub, for this but apologies if not. i'm in my early twenties and have started seriously considering that i might be a lesbian, but i am unsure given my previous relationships with men.
as a pre-teen/young teenager, from the ages of 11-14 I did identify as a lesbian and I thought I felt comfortable in that label. However, at the age of 14, I did end up dating my male best friend (who, it feels relevant to mention, was very feminine looking); we did end up having sex but more because the couple we often double dated with had already done so, and less bc of genuine desire on my part. When I was 17, I had another boyfriend, who I was with for multiple years. We were intimate but never had intercourse, a boundary he set but that I was completely happy with. He was my closest friend, and I enjoyed spending time with him, and so I never felt like we needed to take further steps. I also felt quite uncomfortable thinking about dicks, and felt a bit repulsed by them, but I kind of assumed all women felt this way, and that no one enjoyed giving head etc. When both of these relationships ended, I was absolutely crushed and I do believe I really did love them, so I naturally assumed my previous lesbian identity was just youthful experimentation, and an unfamilarity with my desires. However, I'm just now questioning whether these feelings were sexual/romantic desire or just my intense endearment and attachment.
in these relationships, i would find public pda, such as handholding incredibly embarassing, and would never want to do so.
for the past year, I have had a "crush" on a mutual friend. For some context, he is the only man in my woman-dominated friendship group, and incredibly reserved and difficult to get close to. Over the last year, despite acknowledging that i don't find him particularly physically attractive, I have experienced feelings I can only describe as limerence, becoming obsessive about 'winning' his attention on nights out, and speaking about him obsessively with my close friends. Despite this, I was always aware that this obsession with him was kind of a performance for my best friends, because I knew it was entertaining, and I enjoyed narrating out all our interactions. I never liked to think of him sexually and a lot of the excitement came from the prospect of us potentially having a 'secret' flirtation that none of our friends would be aware of. Nevertheless, I kind of assumed that there must be SOME kind of attraction behind the 'game'. It took my friends encouraging me to finally disclose my feelings to him that I realised this was something I literally never wanted to have to do. I have come to understand within myself that there is no genuine desire in this particular crush, and that part of the appeal comes from the fact that I know 100% he will never reciprocate.
a lot of my friends are in relationships or on hinge, and encouraged me to get on the apps as well. However, I find even when I match with men who share all of my interests and I can recognise to be very attractive, I just cannot be bothered to sustain a conversation with them for longer than an hour. the prospect of messaging them or going on dates with them feels like a chore. i considered that I might be asexual because I just never felt bothered. a conversation with my mum kind of sealed it for me - when I was expressing my indifference to a relationship, and how I would only really like one in order to have kids one day, she reminded me that there were ways of doing it alone. Obviously I was aware of this, but I never really deeped that it was a possibility for me. after that, I decided i just wasn't going to be with anyone.
however, recently i have been experiencing a really strong desire to kiss and make love with women. this surprised me as i assumed that I just wasn't interested in sex at all, and its not like I have anyone in particular im interested in, but the idea of being with a woman just seems to make sense? Having never enjoyed straight nsfw content, I have found myself incredibly aroused by wlw stuff, in a way I just thought my body was incapable of experiencing.
all of this considered, it is starting to seem like i could maybe be a lesbian. but there is one question that is really holding me back: how could I never have known? I come from an accepting big city and my mum has always been very pro lgbt. I myself have always had queer friends and been supportive of their relationships. as i mentioned earlier, when i was really young i even understood myself as gay myself. If i was right back then, and I really am a lesbian (as all the evidence is stacking up to suggest), surely I would have noticed? I definitely desire deep male friendships, if not romance and sexual attention... am i just incredibly male centered and this has clouded my understanding of myself?