22f/22m boyfriend says we have surface level conversations, how to fix that?
Hi there! My bf (22m) and I (22f) have been together for 7 months. He is my first boyfriend, while he’s had previous relationships.
For some further context on our personalities, I would say we are both introverted… however I have a tougher time holding or initiating conversation, where as he works a job where he needs to talk to people all day everyday so that flows a little easier for him.
The problem is that my boyfriend feels we do not have good conversations. He says that most of what we talk about is surface level, and he wishes that I would talk to him with the same carefree attitude as I do with my friends.
With my friends, I talk about anything at all. My opinions on certain situations, videos I’ve seen on social media, things that happened at work, what I’ve been up to. I don’t think about it, I just talk.
However, when it comes to speaking with my boyfriend I feel like if I say the wrong thing or am not interesting enough, he’s going to be disappointed with me. I don’t know where this fear came from, as my boyfriend is normally very patient with me, understands that I am quieter than most and sometimes just don’t have anything to say, and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t expect me to talk about specific things. He just wishes our conversations flowed better, rather than feeling so structured all the time. He tries to be silly and open with me, be weird, basically he said he’s been trying to act open first so that id feel comfortable as well.
Usually I ask him about the following:
1.) How was work
2.) If he ate
3.) If anything interesting happened / met any interesting customers
4.) If he’s going to the gym that day / how the gym went
5.) if he slept well
Usually ill tell him about the following
1.) If i ate
2.) what i did at work
3.) if I did school work
That stuff IS boring. I dont even talk about that with my friends. I think the issue is that I’ve put so much pressure on myself to be this great conversationalist that Ive made conversations with him feel scary and uncomfortable. I find myself blanking and freezing up.
My boyfriend and I are together because we have a ton of shared hobbies. We both love art, museums and aquariums, the gym and fitness, video games, food, music, fashion. We spend time together going out to arcade bars, theme parks, the movies, thrift shops,, we have the same values and beliefs. We have similar goals in life, I would say we’re pretty compatible.
I notice we don’t have any issues talking when we’re actually playing games together or spending time in person doing the stuff we enjoy.
Usually it’s awkward through text or over the phone (if we aren’t playing anything while on call.) it wasn’t like this when we first started dating, because we would pretty much talk about whatever.
I don’t know when I got the fear that I shouldn’t talk about whatever. I just naturally am really shy and an anxious person. I have OCD, so a lot of the time I freak myself out about nothing.
My point in making the post is, has anyone else struggled making conversations with their partner or has felt a similar anxiety? What helped? I also feel like our conversations are surface level sometimes.. and it makes me frustrated because I know deep down that I can hold a conversation. I just feel so much anxiety lately over it.