During the beginning of my pregnancy both my best friends/ roommates got pregnant within a few weeks apart. We were all so excited we talked about how our babies were going to be best friends. We started planning on how we could have joint baby showers and go to each other’s appointments. I ended up spotting about a month and a half in. It completely broke mine and my boyfriends relationship (he was also a huge cheater and over all a bad boyfriend but he would have been an amazing father) because of how heartbroken I was. I ended up moving out of the house and back to my parents. The grief was so incredibly overwhelming feeling like it was my body that was at fault. 9 months later and both of there beautiful babies where born about 2 weeks ago (a handsome boy and beautiful girl) and I couldn’t be more proud of them but its hard seeing them together knowing my baby should be here too. I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I am now with the most amazing person ive ever met for about 6 months now and today I took a test because ive felt super emotional and ive been heavily craving peanut butter (which I hate with a passion) and a few other small things and even tho i know im not ready to have a baby with my boyfriend (cus we’ve only been together 6 mouths and we are just not in the best financial position) when I saw it was negative I got an overwhelming feeling of pain like an unworldly sadness. I just feel so lost I just miss my baby. All I can do is write letters to my baby.
To my baby
I miss your beautiful eyes I never got to meet, full of joy and possibilities. I miss your little fingers I never got to feel wrapped around my thumb, the cries and laughter I’ll never get to hear.
I miss all the plans and preparations that came to an abrupt end. I miss the mornings we were going to spend together and the gifts I was going to spoil you with.
My love for you, baby, is so precious, and I never got to tell you. You touched my heart in a way I didn’t think was possible.
The first test was so scary. It felt as if I was going to let you down, that I wasn’t going to be enough for you. But as soon as I saw those two lines, I knew one thing: you would be loved.
The pain and heartbreak I felt when I saw the blood is one heartbreak I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I miss everything I didn’t get to know about you. I miss the first words you never got to say. I miss the jokes yet to be told. I miss the blanket forts we were going to build, the adventures we didn’t go on.
I’ll always remember the way it felt to have you with me. The love I never got to miss, the grief I never met.
Love, Mom