u/Excellent_Chair_7875

I've been alone in the dark for so long I'd started to forget you. One day, my survival instinct finally kicked in and I tried crawling to freedom, but just when I saw the first glint of light at the end of the tunnel, I heard your voice. I heard you calling for me, as if you needed me. I couldn't stand to leave you behind, so I turned back. I returned to the darkness to look for you, just like I always do.

I told myself this time would be different. I told myself this time I'd find you and never let you go. But now I'm lost again. I can't hear your voice anymore. Maybe I just imagined you calling to me. Maybe it's just my mind playing tricks. That's what all these years of waiting in the dark have done to me. I don't trust my own senses anymore.

I know what I have to do now. I have to turn around and claw my way back to the light again. I have to ignore your voice no matter how loudly it calls. Because you're not really there. If you were, I would've found you by now. But when I escape, I'll leave a piece of me behind. Part of me will always be lost in the dark, looking for you...

I'm not ready to go yet so I'll just sit here for a while longer, remembering what it felt like to believe you still wanted me to find you.

Show me the biggest elephant in the room and I'll brush it right under the carpet.

I'm an expert at ignoring the obvious. As long as I don't speak it aloud, it doesn't exist. I notice but I don't comment. Don't react. Keep my face blank. I stay quiet, for my own protection. Flirt with me and I'll play dumb for comfort. Insult me and I'll laugh along to keep the peace. I've perfected the art of acting oblivious.

But when the vibe shifted between us, I noticed. When you started reaching out more, I noticed. When you found little ways to show me how much you care, I noticed. The way you looked at me, the questions you asked, the details you remembered: I noticed it all. I noticed but I didn't comment.

When I tried to get closer to you, you noticed. When I started making an effort, you noticed. When I opened up, when I tried to share, when I told you in words how much I miss us: you noticed. You noticed and you didn't comment either.

When you started pulling back again, I noticed. I noticed and I didn't comment because how can I? There's no room for the truth. So I'll just notice and not comment, and you'll do the same. Both of us, noticing how much we love each other and neither of us commenting on it.

It's easier to pretend it never happened. I never felt a thing, officer. I have no idea what you're talking about, honestly. What's that giant lump under the rug over there? Dunno, definitely not an elephant though.

Sometimes I click on our chat just to see if you're online. If we're both active at the same time it makes me feel like we're aligned, like a portal has opened up between your world and mine. I stare at your status until one of us blinks away, as if we're playing a weird game of telepathic chicken.

Sometimes I wonder if you're thinking of me too, but I don't give in and text you. I watch and wait for you to initiate, yet the message I'm manifesting never comes through. I know I'm just playing games with myself but I don't have a window into your world like you do. I'm left to imagine what you're up to, daily.

Sometimes my fingers dance over the keyboard, enticed by your silence. Sometimes I lose the fight and find a thin excuse. You reply right away as if you're staring at your phone too, but you don't seem to succumb to temptation like I do, again and again.

Last time, I saw you typing back to me. I saw those three dots bouncing thoughtfully. But whatever you wanted to say, you didn't send to me, in the end. Maybe you don't have the right words, which is why you said nothing.

I wish you would, though: say something.

I see you online and I think about what could've been, if only one of us was brave enough or stupid enough to say anything.

Imagine if I'd loved you all along. Imagine if I'd tried for years to move on. Imagine if I still loved you more than anyone, even after all this time.

Imagine if I'd put my feelings aside, swore on a stack of Bibles and lied. Imagine if I watched you move on and smiled, so you'd never know what I felt inside.

Imagine if I told myself this was how it was meant to be. Imagine if I started believing it eventually. Imagine if I accepted that you were never coming back to me, only for you to look at me like I'm your everything.

Imagine if you died and you never knew how much I loved you.

Imagine if I died and you never truly knew me.

Just imagine what a tragedy that would be.