When am I (26F) giving up too much of myself for my partners (27M) emotional maturity and growth?
I’m sure this is something people on this forum have heard over and over again but now it’s my own personal debate and i’m struggling on where my limits are.
Some backstory I guess:
My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) have been together for about 3.5 years. We met in my home state and were dating after 2 weeks. not only a habit of mine but his as well. I have always been a giving person and very independent and welcoming to others in my home. He’s originally from 15+ hours away and I’ve been dying to move from my hometown so we did after about a year. Being near his family was great, getting closer to them, seeing where he was brought up and him getting to be with his people of course. But the cultural and environmental difference was not what i had hoped or anticipated it to be. I love the experience and wouldn’t change a thing but it taught me where i want to settle in the long run. I was home sick and he was open to move again so we did. and I love being closer to home and in an environment i find familiar and relaxing.
All of that brings me to where we are now. We moved at the end of last year and he has been supporting me through my dream career. (i think it is, but i feel so lost) i’m learning from home and he can afford to pay all the bills (we have a roommate as well that pays his share.) Because i don’t support the household financially I help else where by maintaining the house. Something I have always done even when I was working full time/the bread winner. And we’re still having the same conversations. Being home more has shoved them directly in my face all the time.
I’m a naturally organized and tidy person and sharing my space is not easy but i compromise and have lowered expectations. I don’t mind picking up extra work because of our situation or taking on a heavier load but i feel like a maid at this point. dirty counters, can’t rinse dishes, apparently the trash can is TOO far away for the trash to make it there, picking up clothes or taking the recycling out, i could go on. and at first i did it. but i shouldn’t feel like a mother. so i’ve expressed that. if it didn’t work, i reevaluated and tried a different approach, whether organization or communication and it still feels unheard.
I’ve expressed the mental load i retain, what it does to me, what his actions have done to make me feel this way even though they seem so small and insignificant and how this effects my out look on our future. and everytime i feel like hes understood something he responds or does something that shows me he doesn’t understand. he wants to relieve the tension and keep the peace and i tell him that thats not okay. that im not asking for answers but for self awareness and reflection without me having to spell it out for him and that its not my job to teach him these things. he “doesn’t know what to say and will figure it out. he will think about it.” he thinks he has to do it on his own and i reiterate thats not what im saying. i explain again and he still “doesn’t know.” but i tell him i am still someone he can reach out too.
we keep making the same cycle but he has stepped up in certain areas like picking up the house but its taken years to get here and constant reminders, the same conversations and what feels like an imbalance of responsibility, emotionally and physically. and im starting to question myself. if im asking for too much or if im just asking for the basic bare minimum. i love him with all my heart, we have the best times together and i know he loves me deeply and purely. I feel so conflicted because im having issues about something others dream was the only problem.
i feel like i lead his life because of his unseen codependency and he doesn’t understand the weight that that has put on me. and for once im feeling unsteady and the one needing the help and hes still asking me for some. is it because im home more and seeing everything more often so it feels like a lot but its not? i just don’t know where to go next, if its worth the fight because of our extraordinary memories/ experiences and that he puts up with me, or if im sacrificing too much of my own personal healing and growth for his emotional development?
am I losing myself for another? or building an everlasting relationship with a life partner?