My best friend used me for my body 4 years ago and I still can't cope
For the purpose of this post, I won't use real names, but, for context, my ex-best friend and I were each other's #1 for a good 3 years before all of this happened. We'll call him Mark.
Mark's girlfriend, Mark, and myself were a trio for a long time. Eventually, him and his girlfriend broke up, and I took his side because she was emotionally abusive towards him. Coincidentally, I had left my partner a few days later because they were also abusive towards me. As a result, Mark and I sought comfort in each other's presence, since we were going through the same thing. Mark wasn't openly into guys, but he had dropped some hints after his breakup.
I think about a month had passed before anything happened between us, but one night he and I had a sleepover (like we always did), and he asked me to play a game of truth. If you don't know the rules, it's basically just an excuse to ask questions to one another without lying. It was innocent at first, but then he started dropping questions like, "do you have trouble maintaining eye contact," or, "what should I do if I like somebody really close to me but can't say it." I'm no idiot, and I knew that he was talking about me, but I danced around the subject because I was unsure how to feel.
Fast forward a week (ish), and we have another sleepover. We end up kissing, and at that point our entire dynamic changed. It was like we went from being best friends to high school sweethearts, and at the time, I really really liked it. We kept being flirty with each other for a long time, and we did the things your typical "hidden relationship" would do, like holding hands under a table or throwing winks at each other in public spaces. Being gay in a small town is hard enough as it is, so the fact that this was happening was surreal to me, and I felt like I was on cloud 9.
We eventually start leaning into the sexual realm of things, and we were both very welcoming with each other. But once we finally had sex, his demeanor changed, almost as if he didn't like it. Like I said earlier, he hadn't been openly into guys, so if he didn't enjoy it, I fully understood. I even asked him and he said he wasn't sure. I took this as my sign to stop engaging with that sort of thing, because I really really liked him, and I wasn't gonna keep flirting if he didn't like guys like that.
He eventually gets back with his ex, and I get back with mine, but we were still best friends and put that all behind us. Of course, we both leave our partners again because they kept engaging in their abusive patterns, and we both found that same comfort in each other. Before anything happened, however, I was straight up with him, and I said that I was developing feelings again. So I asked him if I had a shot whatsoever or if I should just cut my losses and move on. He told me that he didn't like guys in that way so I didn't have a chance.
This is not my issue in this story, because I appreciated his honesty and I wanted to go back to being friends. My issue is that, despite his rejection, he kept initiating sexual interactions. Me being fresh out of a breakup and desperate, I engaged. I am not proud of it whatsoever. And if I could go back in time and change it, I would. But I was lonely and I was in love, despite the things he told me. He kept using me for sexual favors, and then we went back to school. We kept being friends (although at this point it was more of a situationship), and then he met a new girl (we'll call her Laura). Once he started talking to Laura, he stopped talking to me as often. For reference, we used to talk daily and hangout daily. Eventually, he just stopped texting all together. Stopped talking to me in school. Stopped reaching out. If he wanted space or was uncomfortable staying friends because of our past, that is understandable.
But he just ghosted me. He stopped talking with no explanation to me. This is why I feel used and betrayed. I did so much for him as a friend and as a "partner"(?), and this is the repayment I get. I'd clean his room for him when he was depressed, draw portraits of him for his birthday, and leave little notes of motivation for him to find simply because I cared. And to get literally nothing back but getting ghosted HURTS. He eventually blocked me without saying anything and unadded me on all socials. I should also mention that I told him about how I felt used before he stopped talking to me. In fact, I sent him a giant paragraph explaining how I felt and he acknowledged that he didn't handle it well. But in the end, all I truly got was silence.
It's been 4 years and I'm currently in university. University is great because it's far away from home--the place I'm so often reminded of him. But now I'm home for the summer because I live in the dorms, and as soon as I come home, I start dreaming of him. I have dreams that he apologizes to me and we go back to being friends. Everything I see in the town, whether it be the places we hung out, the gas station we got snacks from, the school itself, anything, I am reminded of him. It's like a plague, and I really can't seem to do anything about it. I've become emotionally absent and somewhat numb because of this situation, and it sucks. I feel like I was used for my body and nothing else, and that my friendship and worth as a person was thrown in a ditch for some girl he just met. What's even worse, is that the university I go to is basically the only one in my state. He just graduated and if he ends up going to the same school as me, my safe haven from this, I genuinely don't know what I'll do.
I'm not sure what I'm asking for, and I don't know if there's a solution to this, whether it be my dreams or the reminders or anything else, but I have nobody else to turn to, and I am struggling. Please help.