​
I've been with my husband for 14 years. We always knew I struggled socially and was very sensitive, but chalked it up to being a bit sheltered/growing up homeschooled. I got diagnosed with depression & anxiety. The meds helped the physical feelings (that I now understand were exhaustion of masking and being overstimulated working in a catering business) but they didn't help me with the social skills lol.
I'm still awkward around my in laws, my husband's friends, sometimes even my own family and friends. No matter how long I've known someone it can be so hard for me to just relax and know how to behave. My husband's family is very broken, cold, distant, and I've always felt like such a weird outcast. All these years I thought if I could just cook them dinner or show up and help them clean or be dutiful and happy and sunshine-y enough they'll finally be warm and affectionate. But they're just not like that.
And now I'm 33, completely burnt out, realizing this is forever. Sure, I can learn skills to help me day to day, but I am always going to be behind. I thought I was okay learning I'm autistic but I find myself realizing it in the middle of conversations now and my stomach dropping. It made me go through my life and think about all those times where I was trying SO hard. I wanted to fit in so badly. And now I'm like, my husband is going to have to probably support me forever? I didn't know I was signing him up for that. He says he doesn't mind at all. But I'm scared and heartbroken because I'll never be able to fully grasp things and keep up like he can. I'm sure this is some deep seeded ableist shit in me that I need to work on, it's just this perspective is new to me. My whole life and outlook feels different. Does anyone else know this feeling?