u/ExaminationGreat2081

Well, I posted on here lamenting about discomfort around my gender and how it’s confusing knowing what’s what when you are so isolated from yourself and also the world.

Well, I (AFAB) ordered a binder to try to remedy or experiment with this. I tried it on a few weeks ago and felt incredible. But didn’t wear it for long. Yesterday, I wore it for maybe two hours. Felt incredible. And then when I took it off, I got really lightheaded and a bit breathless. Well, apparently it can trigger POTS/ vasovagal responses. 😭 it was a bit tight to be fair but mostly because my chest is on the larger side. The general fit otherwise felt fine and comfortable.

Anyway, today I am still feeling breathless and a bit crashy. I know it’s super important to bind safely but I’m certain this is my bodies sensitivity rather than anything physical or dangerous per se with the binder. Though, i’ll also order a larger size to see if that helps.

But now I’m feeling defeated. this has been the one thing I’ve tried that has made me feel at ease and confident in myself in the last 4 years of sickness. Yet may just be another thing in a litany of things my body can’t tolerate :( maybe in time, in baby steps.

Just a bummer. Not to mention, the chances of me being able to get a reduction or top surgery are slim to unlikely- unless I improve to mild or go into remission.

Anyway. Doing ok. Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.

TLDR: what’s the difference between feeling like an unattractive woman and needing to work on deprogramming patriarchal bullshit or just…not being a woman?

Maybe this won’t resonate for everyone but I am really struggling and can’t tell if I dislike my body / appearance because I feel like it deviates so much from gender norms (mostly due to PCOS, though I did have these feelings before puberty) or if it’s something deeper. I guess, this is partly because I’ve always felt so innately different from other girls/ women. And as I said, even before puberty and all, I often had thoughts that I was intersex - I didn’t know the word for it of course but I thought I had balls somewhere and just no one told me. (Never told anyone that before woops). Anyway… but I also can’t tell if maybe I just have a bit of dysphoria in the other direction. That maybe if my body fell more into gender norms, I’d be more comfortable? And maybe that’s the solution?

In any case, I know and feel good about just accepting I’m a bit gender queer. Probably nonbinary. Which is fun and freeing. But the question I guess is to what extent.

I wore a binder for the first time last week and wow I felt so euphoric and joyful. I felt giddy like I did as a kid. But now I’m having almost a vulnerability hangover? Shame? I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just driving myself crazy thinking too much into things. Or that I’m just so frustrated with my body not meeting the standards of “woman” that I’m doing a hard pivot lol. Maybe not the most cis behavior, admittedly.

In any case, I’ve really struggled with making sense of myself my whole life. And I just wonder if I could be freer and happier. I don’t really care how or what the outcome is. I just want to see and try. I guess I’m in the thick of questioning things. Let me know what you all think. Does any of this resonate? How can I start to make sense of all this?

I’ve been questioning lately but feel pretty comfortable landing on non binary. However, I’ve been going through so many cycles of feeling settled and then doubting questioning or thinking I’ve made things up.

Part of this is I feel like I’m having a bit of whip lash at how quick my gender experience has shifted. It almost felt overnight that I realized I was not a cis woman. Even when I’ve felt mostly comfortable being “woman” ish for most of my life. I’m comfortable enough with presenting feminine. Even loving it sometimes.

I’m not going to list alllll the factors that led to my gender questioning or realization but I’m just confused as to how my sense of myself/ all these feelings came up so abruptly. It makes me nervous to pursue any physical changes that I may want now because I fear I would change my mind in 10/15 years.

I also feel a lot of stress because there are people in my life who I feel won’t understand if I were to start presenting differently, binding etc because I’ve been so feminine. I know I want to get over it but I do sometimes feel a bit beholden to other people’s concept of me.

Anyway, would much appreciate anyone’s thoughts. Thank you!

Ordered a binder that just came in the mail and though it’s a bit too tight and I’ll need to size up a little, I felt so good in it. Like I feel giddy. I posted on here a bit ago because I’ve been questioning and feeling quite confused lately. I’ve basically just landed that my gender is a bit queer and I’m not overthinking it as much which feels nice. BUT loving how I looked with a smaller/ flatter chest is now causing me more questions once again. Like uh oh maybe this is a real thing woops

I guess it also still feels so new. It scares me a little. I live in a somewhat rural and socially conservative area and I feel a bit scared to fully express myself or wear the binder out (when I get one that fits a bit better). So I guess I’m trying to figure out how to slowly take steps to try things out in the world or with others. I am an adult but living with family temporarily and my mom is very attached to my “femininity” and hates the thought of me altering anything about myself. Though she’s very supportive up to the point of anything medical. I will make decisions based on what’s right for myself long term, especially when I live independently again. Just for the time being, I know she’ll comment if I have a flatter chest and honestly, as I’m still sort of figuring things out myself… I don’t really want that kind of attention or input atm. So idk. Just mulling things over.

I guess the journey continues. But it was fun to play dress up and experiment and I felt free and happy and I could cry. Thought I’d share the update with y’all and maybe also see if anyone has thoughts about where to go from here, if anywhere. Tysm!

Hi all. I’ve hit almost a year abroad and I’ve found as soon as things got more settled, a bit of panic set in. I moved very quickly and also out of/ through very challenging life circumstances. When the train started moving, I hopped on it and everything progressed very fast.

I still deeply love where I live but am hitting an emotional wall. I’ve found I’m beginning to really struggle with communication and cultural differences, issues with institutions being difficult to navigate and also- I have a lot of guilt about being far from family. I have many moments of waking up in the middle of night anxiously wondering what I’m doing or what I should do.

Also- my visa is not necessarily guaranteed or secure. It’s a very specific circumstance. And the question mark of my future is really getting to me.

Any advice from folks who have been through it? Is this normal? I’ve been absolutely loving my time here basically up until a few months ago and could use some perspective. Thanks so much!

My ex and I ended our relationship while I was still in my most severe state and I feel because of this I got a bit emotionally stunted. Like, my body didn’t allow me to process the emotions at the time. So they still come up. It’s been two years. Lots of changes. But they’ve moved on and I’m still sick.

I feel less and less of the acute post break up feelings but still have these moments of being so angry. It feels immature and unfair that I’d be so triggered by their happy life. But I guess it underscores everything I don’t have access to. I feel resentful that the got the chance to let life happen. Meet someone. Do all the things you do when you grieve a relationship.

I don’t feel anymore like I want to be with this person. But I guess the way everything went down…I feel a bit bitter. And it was traumatic in itself.

We were really good friends before and i miss their presence in my life, non romantically. I would like to grieve and heal so we could be friends again. I don’t want to feel this way but it just sucks. I want to be happy for them and also ok with my own life. And I still don’t know how to process it. Any advice? </3

TLDR: how have you healed shame around your body not looking or feeling the way you want? Or “feminine” enough?

I’ve been really struggling with dysphoric feelings from hair loss, inflammation and body hair.

I’ve always had an ambivalent relationship with gender anyway and was really fascinated about hearing others share the same. PCOS has always made me feeling a bit on the outside of being a “woman” and now I’m contemplating the fact that maybe that label never felt comfortable in the first place. All the while, I feel so much shame about “failing” womanhood. And I know in the big scheme body hair is a very superficial threshold for being woman enough. I don’t look at others and judge them. But I feel so ashamed of my body. I used to swim as a kid and actually really really good. When I hit puberty I stopped because I had so much body hair shame. I don’t know why it impacts me so much.

Anyway, I’m still exploring all this gender stuff but also importantly, I have chronic illness from Covid and limited ability. I’m no longer able to work as hard to meet the standards of femininity I set for myself.

So I really want to heal some of this shame. Anyone recover/ heal their relationship to their body when it doesn’t look the way you want? Would love to hear how you’ve done this. Thank you. 🙏