Ok so I think I must be somehow on the asexual spectrum but I feel like I have so many little confusing factors I don't know how to sort it all out. I'm just gonna info dump it all here and if anyone wants to read it and give their thoughts, it would be much appreciated!!
The first confusing thing is that I am attracted to people, but not really to bodies. And especially not to parts of bodies that are directly sexual. Like I might feel turned on by a persons vibe or their hands but like dicks and butts do nothing for me. Also, this goes for flirtatious situations too- I love getting attention and knowing that someone is attracted to me, but if that person started getting directly sexual it would gross me out. The most turned on I get is if I have a friend that I find funny/interesting with whom there is some underlying unspoken attraction that isn't directly sexual. I would feel turned on around them and might even fantasize about them kissing me or something, but if they ever openly stated their interest in sex it would totally ruin it. I've always been like this. Even when I was a kid I would have crushes on people until I found out that they liked me back and then I would get really uncomfortable and almost disgusted by it.
The second confusing thing kind of related to that is that I might feel attraction to a person and even masturbate and fantasize about situations with unspoken sexual tension or them kissing me or something, but if I try to fantasize about having sex with them it usually takes me out of it and turns me off. It's almost feels like I think everything is sexy except for sex– It's just too direct and mechanical to actually turn me on. Like I am turned on by sexual energy I guess?
The last confusing thing is that I actually am in a relationship. I love my boyfriend very much and he is my best friend. And we do have sex now, although I didn't have sex with him for the first year we were together bc I never felt ready. With him, I am fine with sex and it doesn't make me so uncomfortable. But I will say I never want to do it. Frankly, the sex stuff is the least important part of our relationship to me. Pretty much every time we have sex I am kind of just doing it for him (not like in a pressure way, but like just a nice thing for someone I love since I know it means a lot to him and I really don't mind it). The only thing that is slightly negative about our sex life is that I do pretend to orgasm bc he likes feeling like he made me feel good and honestly I don't like taking all the time required to really do it. But I feel like this is a white lie bc it makes him happier and it makes me happier too. To me, sex kind of feels like when you let your partner talk about something that they love and you pretend to be interested. Like I don't get it but I enjoy watching you feel passionate about something.
Ok that's all. Sorry for this being so wordy and I hope it makes sense. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this!!