Can someone tell me what to do?
37M, PhD. I had a good life and career before this, despite a history of family trauma and some financial stress. After catching COVID (2023), my nervous system seemed to spiral into a constant fight-or-flight state. Over time I started losing emotions, bodily sensations, and eventually even my sense of awareness and consciousness began to feel altered - almost like I exist through my eyes only.
I cannot even feel my nasal breathing anymore. I cannot truly visualize things in my head; memories and thoughts feel more like flat photographs than real mental experiences. I still know life exists beyond this state, which is the only reason I keep fighting.
Medications (SNRI) affect me very violently and unpredictably. I have tried somatic therapies, walking, spending time with nature, exercise, vitamins, supplements, and even ECT for depression. Nothing has brought meaningful relief so far.
What makes this so devastating is that I am trying incredibly hard just to regain 1% of myself. If I could feel even a small improvement, I think I would finally have hope that recovery is possible. I have been chasing that 1% for over a year.
I can still eat, drink, talk, and walk, but emotionally and physically I feel disconnected from everything, I cannot even feel a headache or presence of head in my skull. I can run fast miles and miles and feel almost nothing. It feels like floating through the universe without truly experiencing it. Sometimes it feels like even a ghost would feel more alive than this.
I genuinely love life, so I am not giving up. I just want to feel something again.
Part of me also wonders whether my nervous system is waiting for my entire life to become stable before it allows me to reconnect. Do I need to completely fix my life first - career, finances, relationships, stress - before recovery can begin?
For people who experienced severe nervous system dysfunction, DPDR, emotional numbness, post-COVID neurological issues, trauma collapse, burnout, etc.:
Did recovery only begin after your external life improved, or did small internal changes happen first even while life was still messy?
Has anyone regained even small moments of connection, emotion, bodily awareness, visualization, or presence after being this disconnected?
Could approaches like nervous system retraining, trauma-focused therapy, vagal work, or even energy healing help in situations like this?
I have seen many doctors, but most responses have been either “your labs look normal” or “you have depression.” The depression feels secondary to how severe and disabling this condition has become. It is also starting to affect my physical health more and more.
I am not looking for miracles anymore. Just one flicker that tells me the system can still come back online. I am not looking for medical advice. I am looking for lived experiences and seeking help.