When I was at rock bottom I thought if I get my lifestyle habits in order, the depression would go away. It did. For a while. Then the empty feeling came back and I thought if I get my social life in order it would go away. It went and came back. Then I thought if I get my job situation or hobbies sorted, it would go away. Same thing.
What is the point? It feels like I’m chasing a happiness that’s constantly disappearing. Like sand slipping out my hand. My career is my passion so ive ticked that box, my life feels fulfilled in other aspects, my ‘purpose’ is to do charitable acts which I’m doing. What more is there to life? Why should I do this for the next 60 years? Climb out of one hole just to inevitably sink into another for no reason at all. While maintaining the appearance to friends, family, and coworkers that I’m not sinking.
I feel like a robot doing the things I think I’m supposed to do because I was promised happiness or fulfilment at the end of it. I’ve never been suicidal or had those thoughts ever in my life but I’m starting to understand it. Why can’t I opt out instead of having to play this game with no outcome at the end of it