u/EwPicky

For context, my girlfriend and i have been dating for about 3 years, since high school up until now in college. My girlfriend is taking 18 credits and I am taking 11 credits.

Recently, I will admit I haven't been putting much effort into relationship nor with myself. I stopped working out and started playing video games more. I became addicted, I'd stay up at night playing and would miss classes. (Attendance wasn't that necessary but would've helped). I think I just got too comfortable.

Within the past two weeks, I noticed something was wrong in our relationship, my girlfriend has told me before that video games were affecting my life too much, and I stopped for a bit. But shortly got back into it because there was a spot in an Esports Team at my university and I wanted to rank up and try out for it. This led me to pick up all the same habits again.

My girlfriend stopped saying I love you for three nights in a row, the first time i thought maybe she forgot to say it, the second time i thought it was weird, and the third time I realized something was wrong. Finals were coming up, I was hesitant to ask but asked anyway, I asked her why she hasn't been saying it. And it was mainly because I was putting in low effort in the relationship. And that she was been thinking about our relationship and deciding if some factors are worthy of breaking up and unfixable.

I got defensive about it, I said that wasn't taking much classes and I had nothing to do most of my day but chill. I understand now I could've done way more things that were actually worth my time. I ended up apologizing but was still shocked that breaking up with me came across her mind. She has been thinking about it for weeks, and said we had problems for months.

After that conversation it was weird but things seemed better. I stopped playing video games completely, I started waking up early and going to the gym and decided to start looking at projects I can do in the summer to add it onto my resume/experience. I realized quickly and tried to change quickly. I started talking to her more too and just being present.

And during final's week I came with her to the library to spend time with her. I helped her study with flash cards. I didn't take my belongings to school so when she left, she gave me her iPad to just surf around the web for the hour she was going to be gone. And I ended doing some digging in her imessages.

I found a message from a week ago that said from a guy in her class saying, "Hi, hope you were able to make it back safely! My riot ID is ********. Add me whenever you hop on!"

I fumed out when i saw this. The "hope you were able to make it home" threw me off and I questioned that maybe her and this guy have been talking in person for a while, for him to say that. She never texted him back ever. The guy only sent like two messages.

And my friends tried checking his riot ID but he probably changed his account name. I asked her about it and she said it was from a guy in her class, and they were talking about games and he asked her if she played games. She replied with valorant and said he liked that game and that she should play sometime. I dont know what she said to that.

And I started asking more questions about him and her. She ended up telling me he has walked with her to the bus stop since it was on his way to his car. My gf mentioned she had a boyfriend arounf the first time they met. The guy would ask her where i was and why wasnt i picking her up from school here and there. And he offered to give her a ride to target once.

She said that she really enjoyed the conversations she had with the guy and it took effort to stop talking to him. I asked her if she felt guilty talking to him and she said, for a second i would think, "this is bad" but she said it was okay since it felt natural. I asked how the guy looked like, he seemed like a good looking guy tbh. and i just felt off after hearing all that.

And what I was most upset about other than the fact she told me they walked w each other like 4-5times after her last class is that i thought that she didnt wanna talk about the state of our relationship during the time she was talking to this guy. so from the beggining of the semester i thought she wanted to talk about it, but when she met him she stopped and then now that he is graduating and classes are over she wants to talk about our state of the relationship.

But she says that it was never about the guy that stopped her from talking to me about it, it was the Timing. She said that she was busy with exams and school and she was processing her thoughts. She wanted to talk about it after finals so she could have a clear mind.

She also said she didnt have feelings for the guy, it was just his classmate. However i think that she maybe didnt like the guy or was planning to pursue a relationship with him but instead was recieving a emotional attention and connection with him.

I was also upset at that fact that she never told me about it and how she was feeling. She usually keeps her feelings to herself overtime, lets it build, and then spits it all out.

I just dont know what to think. I was hoping she wouldve had told him that i dont think my bf would like you walking me to the bus or something, idk. she also said that the guy didnt like her, but i told her i swear he did since he was offering her a ride and talking to her a lot when he knows she has a bf and was trying to downplay.

Yes i shouldve picked her up from school, been with her at school even if i our schedules might not align and i dont have classes that day but idk.

Her issue with me is that I lie about things. I used to lie that i wouldnt be playing video games all night and say i was going to go to sleep. I just didnt want her thinking I was a bum.

And a year ago, I went to tutoring and asked a group of students if anyone could help me witha circuits problem. No one said anything, so I walked away back to my seat. A girl approached me and offered to help and she offered to exchanged numbers. I felt iffy and told my gf about it. Then it came the time where I needed help, the subission was going to be closed so I called her, she helped me, then told me if i wanted to study more or something i could go to her apartment. I said my gf wouldnt like that and she started crying. I felt so weird and asked if she was okay. maybe i shouldbe just hung up but i felt like i needed to stay since she was crying. She ended up telling me her bf broke up with her recently and they were a long distance relationship. Then she said im so sorry for even telling you this and putting you in this situation since i have a gf. then we said good bye and that was it. I later found some guy friends in the class and i'd study with them. I deleted our messages and calls bc i thought it'd be weird to tell my gf and embarrassing for the girl. so i left it like that

that was year ago, fast forward till now i brought her up to prove a point. i said that a girl asked me to go to her apt and i said no i had a gf. she said that i lied that the girl texted me back. I dont recall lying about it i just recall not talking about it. but yeah.

my issue is that i lie and i wasnt putting in effort. I think that im not secure with myself and thats why i lie to not make myself look bad or worse and be vulnerable. But yeah im upset with her cause of the guy thing and shes upset with me because i called her and lied.

we’re currently taking some space to think about the future of the relationship. i know I contributed to problems by neglecting the relationship, isolating myself into gaming, and avoiding vulnerability/honesty at times. she feels hurt by that and by the fact I wasn’t fully transparent in the past.

at the same time, I’ve been struggling with hearing about how emotionally comfortable she became with this classmate and the fact she never mentioned any of it to me while she was questioning the relationship internally.

Neither of us physically cheated, but trust and communication clearly broke down on both sides in different ways.

i’m not really looking for people to decide who was right or wrong. I’m more wondering whether situations like this are realistically recoverable, what rebuilding trust would actually look like, and whether taking accountability/changing behavior is enough long term.

Has anyone gone through something similar and made it work?