AITA for going in his phone and finding spicy messages to another girl.
AITA for going through my boyfriend’s phone and finding him sending spicy messages another girl.
Helloooo! Trow away coz he will find this at some point. And this is also my first time on Reddit!
Also Charlotte, I love you and honestly the only person that keeps me sane at this point!
Me (24f) and the guy l've been seeing (27m) have been dating now since mid September 2025 and it's now mid May 2026, officially he still hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend which is one other the things we argue about frequently as I've expressed on multiple occasions that actually being asked is important to me... he asked me to be his girlfriend once over Christmas when I picked him up -drunk- from a works presentation event, i asked him to ask me when hes sober, but now tells me that because I've rejected him once he doesn't want to ask again.
I have moderate anxiety which stemmed from a stressful and unsupportive workplace which I chose to step away from in January 2025 after working there 8 years as they refused to make adjustments due to my physical disabilities. This job was my comfort blanket and helped me to get out of poverty… I grew up alone with my mother sharing a bedroom because we couldn’t afford heating and she used any extra money to send me on school trips and my pay for hobbies so I could have a normal ish childhood. It’s helped me to save well and have a deposit to move out ready… I’m a bit of a work aholic, had no trouble finding a new job as I was very overqualified at my last one and now work as much as my body will allow to gather extra savings to pay for any fees that may crop up when I find a house would like to buy soon. When we met I was off sick with stress and burn out and had a lot more free time than I would have when going back into work, I did explain this to him… also the additional complication of my industry being shift work including weekends and his an 8-4 during the week. One of the reasons I struggled to believe he would physically cheat on me is because I know all he does is go to work come home and complain about being tired and then at the weekend mess with his race bike and visit family. He’s overly close with his family, his mother refers to him as their 300 (and whatever) month old baby and he’s super close with his older sister (30f) and spends as much time as he can with her and his two little nephews (3&5).
I struggle to feel secure in the situation because he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend and it’s been 8 months now, and there are lots of my wishes and interests that get dismissed… just simple things like going to the beach and watching sunsets or going on a late night outing for dessert which make me worry about actually agreeing to be in a relationship with him now all together... unfortunately feelings are there and the idea of walking away from someone I care so much for is crippling me. Maybe Im the one thats made the mistake of visualising my future with him.
There is a lot more context I can add but will do this as an update as want to get the main part out while still fresh in my head.
So basically, this past week used some of the very precious holiday allowance I get at work to travel 2.5hr drive from home to support him and his motorbike racing… this took lots of preparation as needed to pack for the next 10 days after going home as had to do lots of shift swaps and double hours to get the 5days off. I drove there alone and met him and his parents there, we were all staying in their caravan together at the race track.
We had a fantastic Thursday/Friday/ Saturday together… he even took me on a really romantic walk around the track and to a little beach bit as it was right by the coast… I really hoped he would ask me out at this point as sunsets are my favourite thing in the world, but no… and then the glass shattered on Sunday.
The weather was so nice that I had taken this really pretty red maxi sun dress with me and decided to get dressed up for the last day of racing… I just wanted him to think wow that’s my woman. So I put on the dress and washed my curls and styled them really well and put on a light bit of make up. I knew he liked it as he kept staring at me or more specifically my boobs, however no compliments. His dad took a photo of us together on the race paddock, our nicest photo together to date, me feeling confident and him in his favourite place and also wearing the racing suit I bought for him (another long and expensive story!).
I posted the photo on my instagram story and tagged him… I was a little cheeky and so proud of the photo that I asked would he re post it, but to this he said “no I don’t put stuff on there”. silently my heart broke at this statement as it felt like he was ashamed for people to know about me for some reason and I couldn’t understand why as all of his immediate family and friends had already met me.
Something felt off, now here’s where I messed up… whilst I was cooking my lunch in the caravan he had left his phone next to the sink and shamefully I remembered his password from watching him ignore me and open his phone when we have been spending time together. So I did it, I looked through his snap and insta messages and on both platforms was horrified to find some very explicit sexual conversations between him and what I’m presuming was a girl that he plays Xbox with after work. At this point I was completely in the dark as to whether they knew each other in person too or just gaming. My confidence was shattered in seconds. He walked in to the caravan and caught me with his phone in hand. I locked it immediately and put it down on the side, picked up as much of my belongings as I could carry and walked to my car. He picked up his phone as soon as I put it down so he knows what I saw as it opened on the conversation I was reading through. After 10 minutes of me sobbing into my dashboard I went back to him and immediately apologised for going on his phone. He acted very nonchalant and said “it’s fine we’ll talk about it later” I didn’t want to cause any drama as racing can be extremely dangerous and wanted him to focus. So I just let it go the best I could.
throughout the afternoon I kept bursting into tears and was full of anxiety and felt like I had no one to talk to, was I overreacting? If I told my family they would tell me to leave immediately but they have never met him, I messaged one of the girls that I’m good friends with from my old job and she said I needed do get out of there asap… but they don’t know him and this seemed so out of character. So here goes my second wrongdoing. I messaged his sister asking for advice on how to handle it without drama because I didn’t want to break up but I can’t just pretend this didn’t happen right? If I spoke to his mum he would never forgive me.
His sister was very defensive and immediately called me out for going onto his phone, and I know I was out of line for this too already. But otherwise I didn’t get very far her last message to me was
“If you want to work it out you will have to talk to him about it but I didn’t need to hear the whole details and I will always stand up for him if he done something wrong I will let him know but I will always stand by him and support him.”
So here comes the evening conversation…
I asked who she was and he said “who do you mean”. I felt sick saying her name. He told me just someone from gaming. And i recalled a conversation from 6 weeks ago…I said “do you think it’s appropriate to tell another girl you wanna see \\\* drip out of her when your seeing me” and he said “ this has all been taken out of context” and “you just don’t understand our banter” now at this point I did so well to stay as cool as I did cos there is no context I can think of where it’s appropriate to speak to another female in this manor when your actively dating someone, I know how lads can be when they are gaming so surely this conversation would have been over discord or whatever it is not Snapchat.
Following this I said “tell me one reason why I should stay” and he said “ I cant decide, that’s upto you”
Following the conversation I’ve had a sleepless night and I’ve apologised again multiple times for going onto his phone and I got an empty “im sorry” from him”. He came back with me in the car and he sulked most of the way… I had to pull over at one point to throw up his the anxiety got too much. I really want things to work but all I can think of is I’m getting off over her. “Slayyy! You look like Megan fox” he sent 2 days before we went to the race track meanwhile Im a 5ft fk all athletic build with dirty brown curly curls and average assets who can’t even get a compliment when I make effort. I feel so unwanted and inadequate.
I stayed with him last night at his house with his family and had I silent filled morning… I tried to work things out with him again and he cried this morning and said although we have amazing times, some of the lows in the last 8 months have been the lowest he’s ever felt and every time he thinks we’re getting somewhere I cause drama and it’s back to square one… a lot of the time when he upsets me or I feel inadequate or ignored I bite my tongue as I’m so scared of this ending but eventually it all gets too much and it all comes out. When I left, he said he needed time to think if he can ever trust me again or will he feel like he’s always looking over his shoulder.
I have the photos of all the messages I read before he caught me, but they are too spicy to put on here without redacted and I’m not sure how to do it!