u/Everything_Iwant_93

For context, I haven’t been in a relationship in about 9 years. I’ve been hurt a lot. I don’t have a good self esteem, I struggle with depression. These past couple years have been hard, I feel numb. I can’t even laugh hard anymore, I feel like I can’t enjoy life anymore. In Oct 2025 I met a guy online, we talked and texted all day, talked on the phone for hours, we would laugh like we were wheezing. I went out to meet him, when we were at the airport our first meeting, we hugged and kissed but after that it felt awkward. I think we were both nervous and not sure what to talk about. The first two days, I stayed with him and he was throwing up for 2 days straight. We kindof just laid in bed and cuddled and had sex. But I was so in my head if we were going to be able to have that chemistry that we had over the phone. The second day I broke down crying, I told him my fears. He reassured me. My anxiety went down a bit then I was able to open up more and we talked a lot. We went on adventures, got groceries and cooked together, watched shows, showered together, went on drives. It became much easier and natural. Still I had moment where I had this fear if we were actually compatible, as much as I had a magical rest of the week with him, I had that nagging voice like what if I don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like me? I felt like at times I got quiet out of nerves and the spiraled if again if we had chemistry or not. I have a lot of social anxiety too, and depression. It’s really hard for me to open up. I haven’t had a partner in 9 years. Is this normal ROCD thoughts? I’ve experience harm OCD, religious OCD etc. So I’m wondering if this is triggering it because I don’t know what to think or what’s normal or not normal. Now we are doing long distance and I get anxious often. He’s a very talkative and lively person. I get in my head if I’m too boring for him.