I just need to throw this somewhere. Everything in the world is happening all at once and I cannot hold onto it all.
My mom just got married. It was rough. The people that thought it was easier to let me try to end it over and over again were there. They acted like I was a burden, but I'm actually doing the best I ever have. Until all this. They were mostly civil. My family that cares were pretty great. Even lovely. I love certain parts of my family so much. The wedding itself wasn't the problem; it was everything else. All the days around such a momentous occasion.
My apartment living with my two best friends in the universe is over. I'm not allowed to be alone. My epilepsy is still uncontrolled. I could die at any time. They've been my life, my chosen family. We tried to find a place for all of us. There isn't any space for me.
Me and my boyfriend found a place one day after they did. It was so fucking close to homelessness. There was a whole day of worrying.
The day after my mom's wedding my new sister in law nearly died. Her and her unborn baby. All vitals dropped. Everything went awful. Yesterday they both came out fine. It was beyond anything anyone expected.
Three days before the wedding my granddaddy nearly died. He had a major heart issue, like 30 somethings of fluid on his chest. He hadn't told anyone about the chest pains because he needed to see my mom's wedding. Instead he was admitted and they've been working on stints, and he might make it.
My boyfriend is moving states to be the person who is with me, so I don't have a seizure and die. We work together, I remotely and him hybrid, and they said it would be okay. It's apparently not okay. They're telling him he has to change roles or "quit." After three months of telling him it'd be okay. That it'd be no big deal. I already work in this fucking state. We have nearly identical roles. I don't fucking know.
My little sister, not step or by marriage, called this morning and told me she had a fucking heart attack. A real fucking heart attack, after informing me she has skin cancer for the third time in her life. I think we're going for the record here. I was disfigured by a lawnmower and I have epilepsy and ED and BPD. She's had cancer and now a heart attack. What the fuck is next?
We finally got the living situation sorted, we signed the documents and not 24 hours later all this happens. His job is at risk. I can't support us alone, I'm barely surviving literally. My meds are thousands of dollars between Epilepsy, BPD, ADHDc, and being a fucking amputee. I'm not allowed to drive. I can't move by myself.
It's like for every good thing that happens, two bad things happen.
I'm so fucking overwhelmed. All the spoons I use to deal with my gremlins are being used just coping with all that's going wrong. With all the changes.
I literally do not know what to do. I do have a therapist. And a Psychologist. And a neurologist. and a Psychiatrist. I'm doing my best, I really am.
What do I do?