This is a follow up from this post https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/XE7gzYW9QH
Previous post TLDR: my husband and I (38m 35f) have been in ugly arguments ever since our first born. When he is triggered, he says really cruel things to hurt me, and he never apologized, and when I confront him later he would debate the ligitimacy of my hurt. I mentally checked out finally. But to keep a workable home for my kid, I tried one more time to tell him I don't love him anymore but want to build a peaceful home and companionship with him.
New post:
The last open talk with my husband was refreshing to both of us. We agreed to disagree on a lot of things, understood each other's love language more, and understood why we disagree on a lot of things (due to upbringing, belief, etc). Basically just a very good and peaceful communication.
We agree to work on our skills of handling conflict and better communication.
Yesterday, I spotted a potential big fight incoming (on some really mundane things that we couldn't agree on), and I was very calm, and I was aggressively curious about his reasons and underlying assumptions. It was a tiring, lengthy effort from me to stay out of my emotions, while keeping his tendency of explosive conflict style in check.
Finally husband calmed down. He said he was very appreciative of my approach of handling the conflict this time.
He also blamed me: "why don't you handle conflict like this during our fights before? We could've avoided so many big fights."
I was not a fan of that attitude, and I finally learned how to set my boundaries recently (I know, pathetic): "don't blame me like that. Its hurtful."
He took that line back and apologized. But he then asked: "why do I have to talk like this? Its not in my nature and very tiring for me."
I reaponded: "it's necessary to avoid big fights, coz I felt hurt when you blame me like that."
He said: "but then I feel I'm talking to a client at work. I have to be careful not saying the wrong this to you."
I said: "I know it's hard for you. But if you don't do it, there's a cost that you will need to pay for hurting me. Are you willing to pay the cost? " I was referring to divorce .
He said: "I always talk unfiltered to people I love, and I think families shouldn't censor how they talk to each other."
I said: "I know you said really hurtful things to your mom and she still loves you. But you need to understand , there's only one kind of unconditional love which is from parent to child. All other forms of love are conditional with expectations and cost."
He said immediately: "But I love you unconditionally."
I said: "no, your love depends on if we have big fights or not. Your love depends on if I can communicate to you peacefully or not. Its certainly very conditional. Same for me, I don't have unconditional love for you. I don't tolerate everything you do or say."
My husband then had this EUREKA moment. He finally understood why I was so hurt over the years because of his unfiltered way of talking. He became so HAPPY and EXCITED during the moment, and declared our marriage is fixed and he promised me there will be no more misunderstanding between us in the future 😂
I felt disappointed, and even somewhat disgusted. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so I only stated my boundaries again "I know you are happy, but don't pressure me for anything in return". He took that nicely.
After sleeping in it, I realized I felt worse because he was celebrating with champagne on the site of my injury.
It feels like my tears, breakdown, screams in the past few years means nothing to him, that he couldn't even bring himself up to try to understand 1+1=2 - to understand talking unfiltered to loved ones is extra hurtful and never right, even though I repeated told him so.
But I take what I can get. My bad feelings quickly dissolved on its own because I don't love him anymore, and I only care about if he can stop having big fights with me and be a good member of the family.
I later put him in place and explained why I feel his celebration is inappropriate. He finally deflated and accepted the reality for now.
I honestly don't know how long this can last. I mean, some people live in loveless marriage built on understanding and respect. I'm trying to test out for a period how sustainable this is for both of us.
Fun bit:
I told him " you know I can peacefully have this conversation because I don't care anymore, right? "
He said "yes. And you should keep doing that." Then he proceeds to express his love for me.
😂
(Sorry for the long post, again)