My sister is amazing. She is strong and smart and has worked so hard to successfully overcome some substance issues in her life.
A few months ago I was present when her fiancé got physical with her; I called the cops. It happened again about a month later and I called the cops again. He was arrested and sat in jail for the last two-ish months while she fretted about getting together the money and getting him out and I told her not to (she didn't).
He was released on a PR bond on Friday and managed to get arrested again last night due to a traffic violation. After his release she broke the EPO and called him and she's now worried about that coming back to bite her. He is charged with violating his bond and also with violating the EPO because he called her in front of the police for his insurance information even though it was in the glove box. She says she's done with him, but I know how up-and-down and cyclical this can be.
While he was in jail, of course she was upset, but she started to live her own life and have friends and be happy in a way I haven't seen while she's been with him. She even went on a date and was so excited to buy a pretty dress for it.
We live a few hours apart, so I don't get to see her as often as I'd like, but I made the extra effort to go and spend a few weekends with her and be there for her on the phone whenever she needed me and make sure she knew that I was here for her.
The shift when he got out was so strange to me; she started talking about how they were both at fault and taking on equal responsibility for what happened (it wasn't anything hospital worthy, but he did assault her and attempted to assault me as well). I was definitely uneasy with the way she was couching things, and tried to remind her that she didn't do anything wrong, but she'd come back with past relationship transgressions that apparently made what happened OK.
She put a lot of money into trying to make sure he would be OK until the EPO expired and she wanted him to come home. Dude lasted barely 48 hours out, had zero appreciation for everything she did for him, somehow still had his job because of her and a very kind boss and just threw it all away. I will allow that he has mental health issues, but if you refuse to get treatment then what is anybody else supposed to do?
She says she's done, but she is also truly heartbroken. I know there's not a magic solution; I keep hyping her up and telling her how amazing she is and how capable and smart. I'm probably not gonna be able to go see her until next week.
I keep trying to remind her that she did nothing wrong, that it is not a fault to want to stick with someone who you know the good parts of but that she can't sacrifice herself for someone who won't sacrifice for her at all. She's had a history with domestic abuse that I haven't, and I know she's gonna start second-guessing herself again at some point because he's "not as bad" as previous partners. And he isn't, but I fully believe he will become as bad or worse with time now that the physical abuse has begun.
I'm ranting at this point but I'm just looking for anyone with perspective on what I can do and how I can best support and help her without mothering her too much. I know I can't tell her what to do (which is an instinct I often suppress because I am kind of mother hennish). I just wanna support her and validate her and help her to feel as confident and strong as she truly is.