I really just to get this off my chest. It’s a long one and I feel crazy
This is ridiculously long, so I’m sorry.
I genuinely just need outside perspective and to get this off my chest because my head is so confused over this breakup and I honestly don’t even know what I feel anymore.
My ex and I were together 6 years. We moved islands together about a year ago and that’s kinda when everything slowly started changing. Before that he used to write me notes, buy flowers, make effort for anniversaries/valentines, talk about marrying me etc. Then it all just slowly stopped and I kept thinking maybe it was stress or life and it would come back eventually.
I don’t think he’s a bad person which almost makes this harder. But he became sooo emotionally detached while constantly talking about ego, spirituality, trauma, self awareness, growth and all that stuff. Like he could fully recognise his behaviour, admit his ego was an issue, say he needed to work on things, and then literally nothing would change. Whenever we argued I could be crying trying to explain why something hurt me and somehow the conversation would end up being about his trauma, society, spirituality, my family, women in general, literally anything except the original issue. He’d say nasty things about my mum and the women in my family too and somehow I’d end up apologising even if he hurt me first.
At the same time he still talked about marrying me while constantly bringing up divorce and failed marriages which honestly confused the hell out of me. I also sacrificed for him like no one’s business honestly. I altered parts of my degree to support what we were building, helped with the business heaps, signed a prenup because it genuinely was never about money for me, moved my whole life for him and supported him through everything. Then once I FINALLY landed a proper job using my degree after years of study and stress, he started making weird comments like “well I didn’t need a degree to get where I am” and “great now you can pay 50/50.”
And idk maybe I’m reading too much into it but it honestly felt like once I started succeeding too, he got weird about it. Like he was supportive on the surface but emotionally pulled away harder.
He smoked weed constantly too and honestly I felt like I could only emotionally connect with him when he was high. That was when he’d actually soften a bit.
We also stopped having sex for months while he still watched porn and honestly it destroyed my self esteem. I felt ugly and unwanted for ages. Then after we broke up he downloaded Tinder almost immediately and when I got upset he basically just went “what? I’m lonely.” Meanwhile I’m sitting there thinking “you couldn’t even get it up for me.”
And this is what messes with my head the most — HE broke up with ME but afterwards still called me first, still says he loves me, wrote me this emotional breakup letter saying our relationship was “the best experience so far” and “we are free” and all this soulmate spiritual connection stuff.
Then not long after sent someone a pic of himself holding a beer saying “last encounter with her, gonna need this.”
Meanwhile I’m over here losing one of my dogs who I genuinely probably won’t ever see again which honestly feels devastating. And honestly? I genuinely think part of what hurts me most is I don’t think he cares nearly as deeply as I did. Not because he’s evil, but because of who he is as a person. I think he’s someone who can emotionally compartmentalise and detach way easier than I can.
And trust me I know I’m not blameless in this either. I know I had my own issues and reactions and I definitely wasn’t perfect.
I think I’m just struggling with the fact I loved him so deeply and wholeheartedly and in the ways he needed for his love language and part of me wants him to be happy, genuinely. But another part of me wants him to eventually realise what he lost too. Not in a vindictive way, just because I really don’t think many people would’ve loved him with the same level of loyalty, understanding, sacrifice and patience that I did. And another part of me keeps wondering what version of this relationship and breakup he’s even telling other people, because sometimes it feels like he talks about me like I was the love of his life and other times like I was just some companion he outgrew. But throughout all of this I genuinely feel like I’ve gone insane from all the back and forth from him
There’s honestly sooo much more to all of this but this is already long enough. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated