Hello, new to posting here/throwaway but long-time viewer. I usually find myself agreeing with the takes on AIO/AITA videos from here, and wanted an outside perspective on my own situation.
'Tis a long one me lort!
I (32F) have been dating my boyfriend (34M) since December. I’ve attached screenshots from this past Sunday.
To summarize Sunday: He made plans to come over at 6p, I mentioned it was a bit later than expected but that it'd still work. Instead of coming, he suggested meeting during the week, an hour before he was to arrive. I reiterated I’m not available during the week. He didn’t come over. I told him it rubbed me the wrong way how it was handled. He doubled down saying he didn’t dismiss me and that I was being unfair. I got upset at that point, and he has ignored me ever since.
The issue isn’t him canceling. It’s how he handled it and dismissed my schedule after I communicated clearly.
(One thing that may not fully come across in text is that he often phrases things in a very calm or “sweet” way, but it can feel dismissive in practice. It tends to come across less like collaboration and more like my concerns are being brushed off in a softened, almost patronizing way. So while the wording might read as gentle, the impact often feels like I’m not actually being heard.)
Some backstory:
- Around month 2, I brought up that groceries had cost me an extra $200 as he'd been at my place all month and I covered food expenses for everyone (myself, my 7yr old & him). I didn’t ask for reimbursement, just asked for balance going forward and suggested he could chip in if he'd like to share resources.
His solution was to stop seeing each other during the week instead of contributing. It felt like punishment for speaking up, but I accepted as it was the best financial solution for me. (Note: This means we already don't schedule time together during the week, per his own solution.)
- I’m a graphic designer and helped him build a business from scratch (logo, branding, website, event materials) for free. I also paid for printing and helped run his first event the Saturday before last. I contributed $105 on event materials, worked the event with him 9a-2p and about 18hrs design time (my rate is $35/hr minimum, so about $630 of free design time).
I did this willingly, but I did sacrifice my already-limited free time to make it happen, and I’ve definitely shown up for him as a partner. He also knows I have had several partners/friends take advantage of me for free design in the past, and was helping him despite previous experiences.
- The Sunday after his event, he came over to “repay” me by cooking meatballs. The meal was made mostly with my groceries, and he asked me to help cook. I said it didn’t feel fair if this was supposed to be my “payment” meal. He became rude, dismissive, and hostile. This happened in front of my 7yr old, which really bothered me. He never apologized.
Later, he said I “overstimulated” him and was being annoying, but he never communicated that in the moment. (For context, I wasn’t hovering or pestering him while he cooked. I was watching a stream at my desk, but when he started acting noticeably hostile, I did come back to the kitchen to ask what was wrong and try to de-escalate since my child was present. That’s what I believe he felt was “annoying.”)
It left me feeling like I couldn’t even address tension in my own home without being blamed for it, which was really uncomfortable.
- On dates, I always split or end up paying more (plus babysitter costs). He has never paid for a full date. Lately, he hasn’t really been prioritizing planning dates at all. I’m not high-maintenance, but I did enter a relationship expecting to actually go on dates, and combined with everything else, it started to feel one-sided.
- He does help clean when he’s at my house, but it seems tied to his own need for things to be a specific way. Initially that didn’t bother me, but he started criticizing how I maintain my home, even though it’s clean. For example, I have a routine where I do dishes every morning. One day while we were heading out, I rinsed a few dishes and set them aside to deal with later, and he made a snarky comment about me “making things harder on myself” because I didn’t stop to unload the dishwasher right then. It caught me off guard because we were preparing to leave, and it’s just not how I do things.
It’s not about the dishes themselves, it’s the pattern of being corrected or talked down to for not doing things “his way” in my own home.
-End backstory-
All of these interactions have happened over the last two weeks. I stayed quiet at first to avoid unnecessary conflict, but I finally spoke up this past Sunday and told him I felt dismissed. I didn’t yell or insult him, just communicated how it came across to me.
I’ve spent years in therapy working on how I communicate and handle conflict, so I try to approach things calmly and directly. Instead of engaging, he doubled down and has ignored me since.
After two days of silence, I spoke with my therapist and decided to remove myself from the situation. I let him know I have his things boxed and asked for my house key back.
At this point I feel like I’m dealing with someone who isn’t able or willing to meet me in a healthy conversation, but I’ve done enough mental gymnastics that I’d still appreciate outside perspective.
So, AIO/AITA, or is my boyfriend dismissive and avoidant whenever I try to communicate concerns? Thanks to anyone who read this far.
EDIT: I did my best to get through all comments but there's a lot. Just wanted to say thank you all for the perspectives. I definitely see my own wrong doing in this matter, and how I contributed to making this bigger/worse than it needed to be. Tbh, I appreciate it because I genuinely felt I was in the right, but also felt I overreacted in my approach. (Minus the word walls, I think part of me knew those were not effective even at the time and let my emotions get the best of me. I didn't want to leave them out, as it would've been dishonest to not show the full picture and ask for feedback.) TY to those that saw my perspective, as well as those who called me out for my own poor behavior. Much appreciated to you all. It's given me a lot to reflect on.